Genders Are So Troublesome
by Me And My God Complex
Summary: Okay. Ed's a girl, but joined the military while pretending to be a boy. You end up with this story of a troublesome love life, alchemy, the Philosopher's Stone, Roy Mustang in his boxers, depressed Envy and of course, Edwina Elric. [OLD ENVYED NOW ROYED]
1. From The Ashes Rises A New Hope

**_From The Ashes Rises A New Hope_**

_**Disclamer: I own not FMA. But I do own this fanfiction and yes, Ed is a girl in it.**_

"No fair Alphonse! Give it back!" Shouts a little girl. Her blonde hair streams behind her and golden eyes stare accusingly at the boy she's attempting to chase. He could be an older brother by appearances, though in reality he's her younger brother, by a year to be exact.

"Only if you tell me where you got it!" Replied Al, who was holding a small metal horse. Panting, the girl caught up. She replied with a short 'Okay' then bent down on her knees. She really didn't care if her dress got dirty.

"I found it in Father's books," she explained as she carefully drew a symbol into the ground. "It's called a transmutation circle. From alchemy. Now all I have to do his put my hands hear and focus and-" There was a small shimmery light and sitting there was a horse made of dirt. "Ta-da." Using her hand she swept it away and then brushed off her skirts. "We should get back home. It's getting dark." The little girl commenced to walk, and her brother caught up.

"That was amazing Edwina." He said, still examining the metal horse.

"What have i said about calling me Edwina? I hate that name. The only reason I have it is because Mother always wanted a boy to call Edward, but when a girl was born she named me the next best thing. _Edwina_. So call me Ed." Spat out Ed, clenching her dress in her fists. Al chuckled and mussed her hair.

"Isn't that boy's name?" He teased. Ed gave him a death glare and began to run over the hill that would bring them in sight of their home, but then stopped suddenly. "What the matter?" Asked Al when he caught up, but didn't need an answer, for from on top of the hill you could clearly see the flames devouring their house.

The fire had already spread to the second floor, and soon the roof would be consumed as well. Ed continued to stand there, a look of shock in her golden eyes. Al didn't just stand there though, and began to run to the house, all the while screaming "MOTHER! MOTHER!"

When Al reached the house he kicked in the door, shielding his face from flying sparks, then ran inside. Ed could only watch in horror as the beams supporting the house began to groan, then shake, then collapse.

"Noooooooooo! Al! Mother! PLEASE! COME BACK OUT! PLEASE!" Someone was screaming, her voice shrill in panic and fear as the house began to smolder, it's fuel gone. The voice was unreal, never ceasing as to continued to wail. It took Ed a second to realize that it was _her_ screaming non-stop as she rested on her knees. "Nooo. . .Al. . .Mother. . ." She mumbled, falling on all fours. Tears dripped down her face and hit the ground. She felt like her heart had been ripped in two. _Al. . .Please come back alive. . . _Ed thought before darkness consumed her mind and she toppled over, exhausted. A lone tear trickled down her face. _Al. . ._

When Ed awoke, she was lying on a soft bed under what had to be thirty blankets. A dull light glowed through the window, which she assumed to be moonlight. At her other side, staring at her while smoking a pipe, was Pinako. The old woman was decidedly calm, puffing smoke while Ed felt hot tears form in her eyes than trickle down her cheeks.

_How can she be so calm? She was like this when her son and stepdaughter died, when her granddaughter left, and now, when my brother and mother are-_ Ed didn't finish the thought, since to her, accepting would be really admitting that her only family was gone.

While her mind rejected the thought, her body took full toll of the grievances. Ed was shaking, and hot tears continued to spill down her face. _I hate being like this! Always being the weak little girl who can do nothing. Just passively wearing dresses and collecting flowers. Always crying, depending on others. I have skills—why am I worrying about loss of family? I can do alchemy—well, sort of. THAT'S IT! I'll find someone to teach me alchemy, and I'll get a job. I'll show everyone._

While Ed continued her frenzied thinking, Pinako had left the room. When she returned to a slightly calmer Edwina, who at least wasn't crying anymore, she held a bag in one hand and a hunk of bread and cheese.

"If you leave early this morning, you should be able to catch the first train. I'll pay for the ticket. After you get off at the correct stop, which I'll tell you later, find a woman named Izumi Curtis. She'll gladly teach any young girl alchemy. You should be back after a year—you are his kid after all. I hope that the next time I see you, Edwina, you will be happier. Now eat—remember, you leave early."

Ed stared at Pinako in confusion and delight. As always, the old woman had hit the nail on the head and realized that Edwina had no plans on staying in Rizenbul. Ed gave Pinako a smile of gratitude, to which she replied with a smile of her own. After that, no more words were spoken and Ed was left to slip off into dreams. Tomorrow she would finally start towards her goal, and maybe start to repent for not being able to help her brother and mother.

**_11 Months Later_**

Pain, blood, sweat and tears. So much in sacrifice, but was anything gained? Edwina had given nearly a year of her life to the study of alchemy, but had she received anything in exchange apart from the ability to make walls?

**Equivalent Exchange. **That's the first basic rule of alchemy. You give, you get. Simple enough. But had all those cuts and bruises left her with a better body? Had all the sweat heightened her endurance? Had all those tears, late at night when she would mourn her losses, hardened her outlook to the world? No one could give Ed these answers but her own self, and quite frankly she was lost. It had always been Al to set his sister straight with his warm eyes and kind words. Now Ed was left to wander the path of life alone, giving and taking, taking and giving.

Perhaps it was that wishful thinking. Maybe it was just the overwhelming feeling of loss. But one night, the rain pouring down in sheets, Ed decided to push her own limits and _really_ test the theory of equivalent exchange. _Nothing I've received matches what I lost. That broken leg was nothing to my mother's songs. That night I nearly starved **definitely** was unequal to my brother's love. So this is equivalent exchange, eh?_

Array, materials, an empty farmhouse to the west of town. Everything one needed to bring back a lost family. So Ed tramped through the mud, ignoring the pelting rain, bag over her shoulder. Her golden eyes were determined, and a frown played with her lips. She had reason to be worried, since her teacher for the past months, Izumi, had explained human transmutation to be something one should never do.

Once the farmhouse was in sight, she pushed back her hood and entered the creaking building. Her array was already set, all it needed were the materials slung over her back. She deposited them in the center of the array, leaving them with a few drops of her blood, and headed back to the outside of the circle.

Steeling her breath, the young alchemist placed both hands on her the edges of the circle. A bright blue light shimmered, showing her attempts to be a success. Ed smiled for the first time in days, but was cut off when the light began to warp, and she felt herself being dragged by small little hands. Ed closed her eyes and screamed. She only reopened them when a terrible pain began to claw at her right arm and left leg.

Ed couldn't help it; she screamed again.

The little creatures were ripping and gnawing at her flesh, tearing through bone and muscle, finally succeeding in _tearing_ her arm and leg from her body. W_hat is this? Is this equivalent exchange? My arm and leg are hardly payment for my mother or brother. _It became evident though what the limbs were for. A gate was quickly approaching, speeding through the ultimate infinity. Very slowly, almost as if it cause it pained, the doors opened to reveal the other side.

Golden pools quickly widened in surprise and horror as what was supposedly the truth flashed in front of her eyes. "NO! MAKE IT STOP!" The girl screamed, one hand clutching the stump of what had been her arm while she fell to her knees. "Make it stop!" The doors closed,as did her eyes, and when she reopened them she lay in the farmhouse, bleeding heavily. In the corner squiming and squishing could be heard. Too tired to find the source, Ed let her head lay down and once again she closed her eyes. _Just a little nap. . ._ She thought wearily before passing out.

A/N: How was that? It may seem boring, but don't worry, after this chapter we skip to military!


	2. The Military Psychos

_**The Military Psychos**_

_**Disclaimer: If I owned FMA I would make sure Envy had Ed's child and that Roy and Ed started dating. Do you see that happening?**_

_The worst thing about leather is that it's just so damn uncomfortable._ Thought Ed as she walked through the most hallowed hallways of carpet-ness that was Central Headquarters. In an absolute refusal to wear the military uniforms--(Honestly, if she wanted to parade around in soldier blue she'd have jumped in paint, not wearing that awful thing)-- Ed now wore black leather pants, black tank top and a red overcoat.

Yah. Enough black to scare a goth, but it helped. If it weren't for her automail limbs she would have gladly pranced around in nothing more but black. But the false leg and arm were useful, unless she wanted to be called the 'Fully Crippled Alchemist' because of . . . dangerous . . . pursuits in alchemy.

_**Flashback**_

_When Ed had awoken from her little 'nap' she found herself lying in a bed with blankets recreating a Titanic affect on the bed as it groaned under the piles of quilts. Ed never would fully comprehend the need to suffocate people in the healing process._

_Examination of the blankets done, Ed turned to the next interesting thing: her itchy nose. _

_On instinct the right arm attempted to come up and ease the annoyance, but no reply_

_came from the appendage. Twisting her neck to the side--(Which was rather difficult grace to the confining blankets)-- to bite back a scream. Where her happy little arm had been now set a bandaged stump. Ed stared with transfixed horror, golden orbs wide in shock._

"_Sister. . . please don't panic. We'll get you auto mail. Everything will be fine!" The voice was like a far-off memory, a slight metallic tinge gracing the angelic voice. Turning her head around with some difficulty, she gazed up at what appeared to be a suit of armor. **And it was talking to her.**_

_In the best of situations Ed's mind is known to be slightly odd. But with the aid of painkillers, happy pills and a totally disoriented mind, Ed chose to say what seemed must plausible for a giant tin can to be holding a tray with soup and calling her Sister._

"_Ah, my knight in shining armor! Have you brought my food fair knight!"She mumbled, pushing the blankets away from her. It took some energy and she collapsed for a couple seconds. Once feeling less zombie-ish, Ed leaned over and pulled at the helm of the armor. "Let me see your face fair knight. For I am Princess Edee of the twelfth moon—AHHHHHH!"_

_Ed had every right to scream for under that helm lay nothing._

_**End Flashback**_

After the drug induced incident, Ed had learned a couple things. First, her mom had been an alchemist. Two, her brother had never died, per say, and had simply been sealed to an armor by Trisha as he lay on the brink of death, body having inhaled too much smoke. So now, in some of perverted sitcom, her brother was a suit of armor.

"Ah, Edward Elric I presume?" The voice that broke her reverie was feminine but definitely tough. Much to her surprise it wasn't a scarred war veteran with a glare of pure evil, but a pretty young woman with stern brown eyes and blond hair neatly pinned back in a professional bun.

Noticing that she was staring, Ed pulled fixed her gaze on something other than the woman's face. "Yes. Edward Elric. Just recently State Alchemist." Ed replied, distinctly remembering that somewhere between Point A of meeting her and Point B of getting out of reverie, the other blond had asked a question along the lines of, "Who the hell are you?"

"Colonel Mustang is just through there. I'm Riza Hawkeye, his secretary." Hawkeye informed, pointing a hand towards the large oak doors at her left. Ed winced slightly when she realized with a bit of shock that the hand contained a gun, which, by her very limited information on firearms, was full loaded and the safety was off.

Thanking the older woman for her information, she turned to the large suit of armor which had been walking behind her diminutively. "Okay, Al. About to meet my new boss." Ed allowed a certain amount of carefully measured sarcasm drip into the last comment. And if tin cans could look upset her brother definitely would have put a big pout on his face and whine about mistreating their new friends.

Sighing in an exaggerated manner, Ed brought up one of her booted feet and slammed the door open with a kick. By the quote of some random person, _"If you're going to enter a room, make an entrance, because it's first impressions that count, and you can't get much more first than a door!"_

"AHH! HAWKEYE'S COMING FOR US! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT PAPERWORK!" Screamed all the voices in the room. Paper shuffling and running could be heard and seen as four feckless idiots ran around in panic mode.

"Oh, just great. I got signed up for the Mental Team. Is this like initiation? Get dropped with a bunch of paranoid morons and see if the new recruits could last a week of jazziness and screaming?" Ed commented. The room stopped dead still, and tall man with dark hair and eyes came up to greet her.

_Damn. Screw my previous thoughts. I can deal with the nut jobs if there's **some** suitable male in the room. WHAT? Did I just think that? Am I slowly going insane?_

While Ed mused over her sanity, the man ((who she assumed to be the Colonel by many shiny medals on his chest)) had come up and grabbed her gloved hands. "Hello there. I didn't know another female was joining our team. I must say, you look particularly lovely." The Colonel's voice was smooth, and he obviously had a tongue of honey.

_**HE THINKS I'M A FREAKING GIRL! **Well, I am. But still! NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT! _Screamed Ed's mind as she stared in utter perplex ion at the man looming over her. _AND HE'S TALLER THAN ME!_

"I was right. The mental ward. I'M NOT A DAMN WOMAN YOU PERVERTED IDIOT! I'M A MAN! I'S SHOW YOU EXCEPT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SOME SORT OF PEDOPHILE, TO COME UP AND START HITTING ON ME!" Yelled Ed, forcefully pulling her hands away from his grasp. Storming over to a couch she flopped down, her energy already worn thin. The room's occupants were staring at her, in a mixture between fear and unbelief. Al came over and stood behind the ouch, putting a gentle hand on his older sister's shoulder.

"Now that I have your rapt attention." Ed began, brushing away her brother's hand by standing up quickly, "I am Edward Elric, newest addition to the psycho crew." She continued, giving a mock salute. As a last thought she waved dismissively behind her. "This is my brother Al. Treat him badly and I'll personally see to your castration."

After Al had given a more polite greeting paired up with an apology for his 'brother's' behavior to the gaped mouth assembly, Ed took for the door, Al training behind.

"If you don't need me, I'll be going back to inspect those crappy dorms to check for cockroaches." Colonel Mustang managed to relocate his hanging jaw and smirked at her.

_Little loud, cocky-mouthed bastard. This ought a be fun. _Mustang thought with his trademark, 'I'm-So-hot-And-Know-It-And-If-You-Disagree-I'll-Fry-Your-Ass' smirk on his face. Ed gave a weary look at this, seeing as how one didn't meet psychopathic womanizers every day.

"Edo-kun, you can't play with the cockroaches just yet. First, you alias: Full Metal Alchemist," Ed gave a look that plainly read confusion, "second, let me introduce all my lovely subordinates: Havoc, Fury, Breda and Farman." The older man consecutively pointed out all the soldiers in turn. Each waved or gave a stoic look, depending on nature.

And is the day had not been full of enough morons in Ed's opinion, ((and maybe Al's, you can never tell what he's thinking)) the doors suddenly slammed open and Ed was nearly suffocated under what appeared to be a photo album full of pictures containing a young girl doing several things from eating to drawing on sidewalks.

"What is with all these psychopaths?" Moaned Ed as she attempted to save her life from the overbearing family photos. The man just grinned and winked. Ed was a little shocked, but went back into a stupor when the man started screeching about lovely E-Something-Or-Rather.

"This is Maes Hughes. Head of the intelligence department. He is a man overly obsessed with family and has more photos of little girls then a child porn obsessive. And my best friend." Mustang said with a small glare in the general direction of Hughes. "Hughes, this is Edward Elric, newest State Alchemist—The Full Metal Alchemist."

Hughes gave Ed an over-enthusiastic hand shake. "A strapping young boy!" He commented, and everyone in the rooms gave looks that read 'Hughes is a pedophile!' all over. Pushing the man away Ed stormed out the room.

As she closed the door after Al, she shouted something indistinct, something rather like, "You're all psychopathic morons who would be better suited in a mental house than the military! DAMN! THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN BEING THE DOG OF THE MILITARY!"

After her little rant Hawkeye looked up and nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel." She commented. Ed could still see the gun resting on her desk like a violent promise to use it. Despite severe fears of having her brain splattered across the carpeted hallway, she gave a small smile back to the older woman before fleeing the insanity.


	3. Envy My Cosplaying Paperwork

_**I'd just like to say new moongirl. . .I like you story, and I do read it. . .remembers lap dance but I really don't think I stole your plot. I've been thinking about writing this for a while. And also, a big thanks to all my reviewers!**_

_**Envy My Cosplaying Paperwork**_

_**Dislcaimer: I own FMA. I have every right to make Envy sleep with Havoc and like it. Wait. I don't. So I don't own FMA.**_

Ed had been at her job for a couple years now, and had just recently turned 15. They say years bring experience, and Ed thought that the years had given her a little too _much_ experience. From chimeras to psycho women butchers, religious nuts with arms of doom, countless murders, red water,homunculi, and a never ending search for the Philosophers Stone, Ed felt she'd had her fill of adventure.

_Big fat reward I've gotten. Equivalent Exchange. I'll be damned if Al's gotten Equivalent Exchange ever since he got stuck in the armor. _Al. That brought Ed to another train of thought: The Philosophers Stone. _I've been through so many chases after that fucking stone. Would it just magically appear so I can get my brother's body back? It's hard enough to search for it when its a myth, but I also have to get attacked by homunculi every time I get close to it, and then they claim to be using me. Fun, fun, fun._

At the last 'fun' she finished her paperwork. Now she had something really fun to do, which mostly involved making loud, unnecessary comments about paperwork just to annoy Mustang.

"Doesn't it feel nice to finish paperwork? Oh wait. Colonel Shit never finishes _his _paperwork. It just keeps coming in, piling on our favorite bastard until he snaps, goes insane, and blows up everyone. But Colonel Shit is already insane! It's all that paperwork, I say. you know, I finished mine unlike you and get to maintain my mental state!" Ranted Ed, snickering. She didn't get satisfaction from it though: the Colonel was so engrossed in a telegram that he didn't hear her.

"Whatcha looking at Colonel Shit? Porn? That's the only thing you'd be interested in." Commented Ed. She strolled over and put two gloved hands on his desk. Once again the Colonel chose not to reply. Getting annoyed – (she had been hoping for a nice little fight) – Ed brought her hands together in a clapping motion, and grace to her ability to do alchemy without an array, transmuted Roy's clothes pink.

And not just ordinary pink. This pink was much worse. It was completely neon, and had a tinge to it that suggested fluorescent paint. And, much to her dismay, looked good on the Colonel.

While Ed fought the bad thoughts she got every now and again of Roy stripping for her, thanks to hormones, Roy had finally noticed his aggravations.

"FULLMETAL! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY UNIFORM?" He screeched. The loud, uncontrolled yell broke through Ed's reverie – (and he was just about to let her give him a lap dance, too!) -- and she began to run. She had a distinct feeling that if she stayed in the same room as him, she'd die. How did she know? Oh, it was probably because the tip of her braid had caught fire. Putting out the flame she continued to run for all she was worth, having some difficulties since she kept bending over and laughing.

After a while she lost the angry Colonel, to notice that she had wandered into the entertainment district. _Damn. I'm too young to be here. I'll get in trouble. Stupid bastard. He probably planned this._ Ed surveyed her surroundings, and decided that before someone saw her to slip into one of the clubs. She found a slightly open door and slipped inside, trying not to give her presence away.

"Where have you been? The customers have been waiting for you Kitz!" Ed flinched at the voice of the older woman, who's voice sounded strangely familiar. Turning, she bit back a gasp. Hawkeye stood in front of, also gaping in surprise.

Except she looked . . . different. Her blond hair was freely waving around her face in soft waves, and her normally unadorned face had the slight hint of makeup. Strangest of all were the cat ears head band on top of her hair and the maid-ish outfit she wore. _So. Hawkeye works at cosplay club? Keep an open mind Ed-you don't know how much sexual activity goes on here. It might be innocent!_

"Edward?" Breathed the lieutenant. Imagine her surprise for the person she'd assumed to be her partner turn around and reveal the fact that it was Edward. A flush mantled her cheeks. Admittedly, she had always had a slight mothering instinct when it came to Ed, and she didn't want him to think she was some sort of whore.

"Hey there. Um. Lieutenant." Ed was still staring at her in shock. "This is a . . . surprise." Balancing on the balls of her feet Ed gave Riza a slight grin, which looked strange grace to her already surprised expression. "Um-"

Riza cut her off. "Let's talk." Grabbing Ed's hand she dragged him from the club, called _Kitten Klub_ and to a nearby bar. Right now she didn't care if the younger was underage-she needed a drink.

"Okay. I work at Kitten Klub part time after I leave H.Q. each day." Riza explained breathlessly. "It's strictly just flirtation. No sex or anything like that." Ed gave her a look that still held some worry.

"Okay. But. want to know. Are you forced to work there, or do you do it on your own?" When Riza didn't reply, Ed put a gentle hand on the other woman's arm. "Please tell me Riza. I really, um, care about you. I don't want you being forced to dress like this against your will by some perverted idiot who has something against you."

Riza's heart warmed at the boy's words. He actually _cared_ about her. "Yes Edward. I come here on my own. It feels nice to dress up every now and again and forget everything else."

Ed patted her arm absently. The alchemist was thinking very hard, it was obvious to Riza. His eyes held a calculating look as he measured her up. "Equivalent Exchange."

"Huh?" Riza had heard of the rules of Equivalent Exchange before, but what did this have to do with the situation? Had Ed finally snapped under the power of his alchemy?

"You told me a secret you didn't want anyone to find out. So I should tell you mine." Ed fixed her with his gaze. "Just please don't tell anyone, and I won't tell anyone your secret."

Riza blushed a deep red. _I've never blushed this much in one day!_ She thought in surprise, then turned her mind back to Ed, her expression mortified. "OH NO! You don't have to tell me anything!" She exclaimed, holding up her gloved hands.

"Equivalent Exchange." Said the alchemist firmly before she could continue her protests. "This morning I imagined the Colonel stripping. And I'm not admitted my deep and profound love for him and at the same time saying I'm gay. It's just." Ed took a deep breath while Riza watched carefully. "I'm a girl."

"And the woman laughed so hard she fell off the bar stool! I tell you, she's a bit of a nut!" Exclaimed the owner of the bar to one of his customers. "I didn't serve her a single drink and she had to be carried away by that young boy. Whatever she's smoking must be good stuff." The customer nodded, payed then slipped out the front door.

After checking to see if he was alone, white light raced down his body, leaving in it's wake a male with a thin, lithe body dressed in a skin-tight belly top and a skort. Palm-tree hair stuck out from the top of his head, kept up by a headband. "So O' Chibi-san told someone her secret, eh? This should be interesting." Commented the palm tree boy to no one in particular. Letting pale arms hang by his side he took off down the street in a steady pace, whistling an aimless tune. "Soon enough. Soon enough." He muttered as his form melted away into the darkness.

When Riza awoke she lay on a bed in what she recognized to be Ed's sleeping quarters. _He really needs to decorate. _Oh wait. Not 'he'. Ed was a girl. Riza sighed and turned over. _Why can't life be simple?_ She asked the ceiling silently. No answer came; not like the she was expecting one.

"Are you okay? At the bar you kinda fainted from laughing so hard." Riza lifted her head to see a familiar chibi holding a tray with food.

"I feel fine. Thanks Ed." She put the tray on her lap and began to eat. She really hadn't noticed how hungry she was until now. Ed sat down on the end of the bed, watching her eat.

"Is the lieutenant awake yet? Oh good." Al came over and sat on the bed opposite, armor reflecting the light given off by a small electric bulb. "Sister tells me she told you her secret."

Riza nodded, sipping the lemonade before answering the boy. "Yes. She did in fact. But I want to ask what is your real name and why are you pretending to be boy?" She directed the last part to Ed, who was stretching slightly.

"Edwina. Hate the name. Call me Ed or Edee if you want to get feminine. I'm acting like boy because imagine people's reactions if not just a 12 year old passed the State Alchemist exam, but a 12 year old **girl.**" Ed replied evenly, frowning slightly. Riza felt that it wasn't the whole truth, but decided not to press it. Everyone had their secrets, right?

"Well, I thank your hospitality but I think I should get back to my apartment. It wouldn't look good if we suddenly came out of your apartment in the morning, especially me dressed like this." Riza indicated the dress. She was thankful that the ears were gone at least.

"Yah, they'd think totally kinky sex, right?" Ed levered herself off the bed and gave small chuckle that parried the short laugh Riza gave at her statement. The two made their way to the front door, and Riza stepped out.

"Well, bye. And don't worry, I won't tell anyone your secret." Riza said with a small wave. Ed saluted her back.

"Same goes here." Ed watched as Riza left down the hallway. When she was out of sight Ed flounced over to her bed and laid down. "Looks like we just got another friend." Ed announced with a tired smile before dropping off to dreamland, the smile still residing on her lips.

Yah. Very OOC Riza. But it can't be helped. I WANTED TO WRITE OUT KINKY!

Big thanks again to all my reviewers! huggles reviewers


	4. All's Fair In Love And War

_**Disclaimer: If I owned FMA I'd be using 100 dollar bills as tissues. Sadly, I am not filthy rich. **_

_**Warning: Semi lemon thing in this chapter.**_

_**A/N: First off OOCness will be blamed on the fact that most of it will will be in character thoughts, or because in this story Ed is a girl. Second, I will be alternating in and out of calling Ed 'he' and 'she'. It will depend on slight changes in POV, which will alternate from people who know her true gender, and people who don't. Just look carefully. **_

_**All Is Fair In Love And War**_

Needless to say, after the Riza incident Ed found work . . . interesting. Take the office right now. Havoc was just hanging out with Fury and Breda. Farman had been recently transfered to another unit. Hawkeye walked into the room carrying a two-foot tall stack of paperwork she deposited on the desk.

"Sir. Here are the most recent pregnancy rates of women in the military." Riza monotoned. Ed, who was currently lounging on a couch, raised an eyebrow. She doubted that the lieutenant would announce such a thing unless it was somehow important.

"And why is that important to me? Just take it away!" Roy exclaimed, doing his best to dodge the impending doom of paperwork. Riza's mouth twitched slightly.

"Well. The fathers, if not married or in any form of relationship with the mothers, must fill out certain forms." Riza tapped the large stack with a finger. "I took the liberty of sorting out those that are your . . . _conquests_." The woman put certain emphasis on the last word, watching in satisfaction as the Colonel flushed a deep red.

"That's all sir." Riza finished leaving the room swiftly, leaving behind chaos in her wake. Just before she reached the door she turned slightly, mouth in half-grimace. "Next time sir, use protection."

". . . ." Everyone in the room was silent. Ed had started counting the papers, which thankfully did not reveal as many pregnancies as the size suggested. Most the cases were simply 30 to 40 pages long. "5. Impressive. Must have a lot of stamina to do it **that** many times in such a regulated amount of time. Of course, all of them are applying for adoption. That makes you a pretty popular family guy, eh? Not expected to hang around." Ed remarked. At this, the men couldn't control themselves – they began to howl in mirth, tears streaming down their faces as their bellies shook from their deep throated laughter. The Colonel sat stick-still, still as red as a tomato.

Ed frowned, re-seating herself. She understood why Riza had decided to humiliate the bastard like that. It wasn't personal revenge or anything. The older woman had just been looking after Ed. After Ed had confessed her feelings about the Colonel, Riza had talked much about his womanizing and how he'd leave her for another woman. But Ed hadn't listened.

After giving a mock salute she ambled out of the room. Ed gave a small smile to Riza before leaving the building. Night was just upon them, resting just on the brink of light and dark.

Ed shivered absently as she rubbed an arm. Right now she wished Al was with her, but he was now at their 'home' caring for a small kitten he's found. So now she walked the dark streets alone, cursing her fear. She was the Full Metal Alchemist, wasn't she? Being afraid of the dark didn't really go well with that.

"Damn. Some weirdo will probably come out of an alleyway now, just to finish off this whole setting." She muttered into the night. A small sound came from her right, and Ed twirled. As if answering to her words Envy had strolled out of an alleyway and was waving at her. Like they were old friends or something. _Which we are._

"Hello O' Chibi-san." The sin drawled, kicking at the pavement, all the image of some lanky, bored teen. Ed glared at him, hands clutching in her pockets.

"Oh. Whaddya know. It looks like summoned a freak. A palm-treed one too!" Ed continued her walk, giving Envy a glare as he continued to walk beside her. "Go away." She muttered. The sin simply put a look of false hurt on his face.

"You made me sad! I thought you felt so much more about me!" The sin stretched, revealing his stream-lined body. A blush mantled Ed's cheeks. She could definitely hear the hidden meaning to his comment, and it wasn't something a young lady such as herself should be presented with. _Not like I haven't already lost my innocence, working for the military. _

While Ed trudged along, deep in thought, she didn't notice that the homunculus had come up to her and draped an arm over her thin shoulders. The girl didn't react, simply allowing the sin to draw her into a tight hug. Seeing as how Envy was taller it allowed him to rest his chin on top of her silky hair. "Edee-chan . . ."

"Envy. Stop it." Ed could feel the tears spilling down her face. Back through many years, throughout the twisted strands of memory, she saw herself, a simple girl of 12. A proud girl who just passed her State Alchemist exam.

_**Flashback**_

_I would always remember the strange person with the funny hair and eyes. He was the only person I knew who ever loathed my father just as much as me. He had a strange personality to match his strange person. Strange. That word had so perfectly described him that she had dubbed his 'Mr. Strange.' Only when she was older had she learned his name to be Envy. Mr. Strange who never aged was called Envy._

_After passing her exam, Ed found herself sitting at a window in Shou's mansion, enjoying watching the moonlight on her skin. A rustle sounded from the other corner of the room. She had turned, curious to who it could be._

"_Al?" Asked Ed into the darkness, but only got a low chuckle in reply. "Hello there, dearest." It had taken a few seconds to place that voice. Envy hadn't visited her in over a year or two._

"_Envy?" Her answer came in the lithe form of the sin, who lent against the wall, turning to face her. Sliding off her seat, Ed turned and enthusiastically embraced the male. He returned her hug. Amber eyes met violet, and Envy dipped his head a bit and kissed her swiftly. Giddiness rushed throughout her body as Ed fell limp in Envy's arms. _

"_I love you." The words, spoken so solemnly shocked Ed. She'd never expected Envy to be the settle down with a girl type, especially when that girl was human and he was a 400 year old homunculus. But still the words touched deep down in her heart, and she hugged Envy as tightly as she could._

"_I love you even more." Exclaimed Ed. Envy gave another chuckle before releasing her. "Go to sleep my little chibi. I can only visit shortly this time. But maybe we'll see each other in the future." After another kiss, this time to her forehead, Envy left as quickly and quietly as he had come, leaving Ed to spend a dreamless night._

_-I'm a break-_

_Several years passed, and Envy would stop by whenever he could. Every time they met they repeated their vows of love. But now Ed hadn't seen Envy in many months and was definitely shocked when she encountered him in a fight._

"_Hello O' Chibi-chan." He'd drawled, sliding out of the shadows. Ed had been rather surprised._

"_Envy? What are you doing here?" She'd asked, completely confused. Envy gave a short laugh._

"_I'm here to fight you. Stop you." Envy had retorted, and Ed felt her heart snap a little. Seeing the expression on the alchemists face, Envy had spread his arms wide and given slightly wacky grin._

"_All is fair in love and war." He'd quoted, then rushed forward with the first blow. Needless to say, Ed had been seriously injured seeing as how she couldn't bear to hit the man she loved._

_And now he had the nerve to still come around like their relationship still existed, despite the fact they battled regularly._

_**End Flashback**_

"Stop? Don't you love me Edee? You always said you did. Like I always said I did." The last part was in a whisper. Ed knew the tears still trickled down her face silently.

_Why does he always do this to me? _Thought Ed numbly as she jerked away from his grip. "How can you say that! You acted like you loved me and got me lost in your stupid games, and then tried to kill me! HOW CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING TO ME!" Ed shouted, furiously wiping away her tears.

SLAP

Her flesh hand came up and felt her slightly numb face. "You slapped me." She stated. Envy glared at her.

"Do you think it was a walk in the park for me! From the very first moment I met you I was supposed to kill you! But I didn't it! And I suffered at the hands of my master! Because I felt something here!" Envy roughly indicated his right side. Ed was at a loss of words.

Finally she weakly managed, "wrong side dummy." She already knew that she was crying again. _Damn. Can't control my emotions. _A hand come up and brushed her tears way. Envy gave her that smile he seemed to only reserve for her, and planted a steamy kiss on her lips.

_-Breaking LEWS-_

Next thing Ed knew, through a blur of images, she was stripped and lying on a bed, and Envy was straddling her. Damn he had a nice chest.

One of the sin's arms was wrapped around her neck and another was somewhere around her waist. He was trailing hot kisses down her neck and face.

"God Envy. Just fucking take me!" Ed hissed. Envy chuckled, and nibbled her neck a bit.

"So impatient. I'll just have to teach you." He winked at her. Ed growled, brought of her auto mail and conked his head slightly. She didn't appreciate this. She'd been nice enough to forgive him, and now she offering to lose her virginity for some guy who's part-time job is to kill her. Makes perfect sense, eh?

"Just do it damn it." Ed had groaned, clenching her sheets as she dealt with the rather interesting thing he was doing with his tongue. Envy laughed slightly and obeyed.

And a night of sex ensued. Interesting, non, to lose ones innocence to a sin?

_-I'm a kinky break-_

The next day everyone at HQ gave Ed funny looks. Well, she was acting happy and 'glowy' as someone put it. Normally Edward Elric was that sullen teen who enjoyed busting eardrums with constant rants. Now he practically floated down always, and only looked a little annoyed at comments to his short stature. So when he sat down on a couch and sighed contentedly, Havoc came to a conclusion that was rather reasonable in his mind.

Ambling over, he plunked down next to Ed and put an arm around his shoulder. "Congratulations on getting laid, boss!" Ed blushed rather deeply, and tried to push the chain smoker's arm off her shoulders. Of course, it was just her luck to have Mustang get out of his paperwork stupor just at that moment.

"Aw! Did Full Metal finally become a man! Maybe we should throw a party! I'll get the cards! Do you want teddy bears, or bunnies?" The Colonel decided he was acting rather immature, but he wouldn't admit that his taunting was born of . . . _jealousy. _Yes. The proud Colonel, Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, Hero Of The Ishval Rebellion, was in love with some midget with an attitude problem. In realizing this, he felt the urge to grab his pen and stab the eyes out of whoever had touched his precious Edo-kun.

"You're all perverted old men!" Cried Ed, pushing herself in disgust away from Havoc. "And whether or not a decided to sleep with someone is my damn business!" About shouting this to the obviously stunned/amused occupants of the room, Ed went over to kick the poor door open. Not like the inanimate object deserved such treatment, but oh well. After the door slammed open, a very frazzled looking female in a military uniform stood there.

"Um, Edward Elric, you're requested to come with me." The woman said, tucking some hair behind her ear. Ed stared at the older woman suspiciously. She didn't recognize any soldiers who looked liked her. The woman lent over, and whispered something into the chibi alchemist's ear. Suddenly, Ed grinned, allowed the woman to grab her hand, and get dragged away.

_-Breaking your spirit with a chainsaw-_

". . ."

". . . . . . ."

". . . . . . . . . . ."

Havoc, Fury, Breda and Mustang were completely silent for a couple seconds after Ed had been hauled away by ((in most of their opinions)) a really hot chick. Roy was first to break the quiet.

"Do you think that was. . ." He trailed off, and the other men nodded in unison. "His girlfriend?" Mustang finished. His fingers clasped his pen in a death grip, and the Flame Alchemist was fiddling with it like he had half the mind to use it on either Ed or the random woman. Havoc noticed this, and gave his superior a concerned look. Well, semi-concerned since the man was always stealing his girlfriends.

"You okay, Mustang?" The question jerked the brooding Colonel out of his carnage-wrought imagination back to reality. Giving a weak smile to his subordinate, he nodded.

"Yah, just surprised the shrimp could get a girl." He responded, signing some random paperwork. Havoc nodded in understand, though Fury looked slightly worried.

"But he's underage." Complained the glasses wearing man. "How can we just let him go out there and. . . you know. . ." Fury blushed slightly, as if even the thought of thinking about Ed screwing a woman tainted his poor virgin mind.

"Full Metal can take of himself. He's a big boy now." Replied the Colonel sarcastically, fingers still twitching with the need punish people with fire. Oh yes, the pyromaniac was angry, but he wasn't about to show that to Havoc and co.--(("Guess what everyone! Roy set Ed's girlfriend on FIRE 'cause he was jealous! THE WOMAN STEALING BASTARD IS GAY! CELEBRATE!" -Havoc))--so he contented himself with violent doodles.

_-Breakity break break breakity break break breaking the story we go-_

After Ed had been led away by the 'woman' she found herself in a broom closet. Swiping a finger over a rarely used mop, she raised an eyebrow at the dust which came off.

"Damn Envy. If you're going to screw me at work, at least try to find somewhere more hygienic." She commented, brushing off her gloved hands. Turning, Ed found that the woman no longer stood there, but her favorite sexy bishi Envy. The sin grinned widely, showing more teeth than was necessary.

"I'm hurt, really. And no, I'm not here to shag you.((A/N: Envy saying 'shag'. Hehehe.)) Just to ask of you a favor." Envy seated himself on a overturned bucket, legs stretched out in front of him. Ed gave him a skeptical glance and lent, arms crossed, against one of the walls.

"What do you want?" Asked the girl bluntly, casting a suspicious look at Envy. She wasn't sure how much she trusted him, despite certain. . . activities.

"Well, you see, Wrath, that annoying brat, got D-our Master pissed as hell. Now, because he's so damn cute and whatever, we have to protect him from getting turned into a little stain on the floor." Envy began, propping his elegant, cat-like face on one fist. Ed could see where this conversation was leading, but decided to fumble a bit more in the darkness.

"So. . ." Ed left the question hanging in the air, just demanding an answer despite it's, 'whatever' attitude.

Envy gave out an exaggerated sigh, and threw his arms up in the air. "We want you to care for him! He's already obsessed about you anyway!"

"What's in it for me? Couldn't your master—whoever that is—kill me rather easily? What good am I?" Ed was trying to understand. The way the homunculi spoke about their 'Master', they were some sort of high flying alchemist who was all-powerful and really scary. Ed doubted she could offer protecting if such a person were to come at him, pissed as hell.

"Let's just say that thanks to certain people, O' Chibi-chan, you have a certain immunity to her. So will you do it, or not?" Envy wasn't about delve into the while Dante X Hohenheim X Homunculi thing just to get the stubborn girl to look after the stubborn brat. _Hey, they'd be perfect together._

"I'll do it. Where is Wrath?" Ed nodded slowly, stilla little at loss grace to the sin's words. _Immunity. . .?_ Her htoughts were cut short though, when the voice of a young child came from the back of the utility closet.

"I'm right here, Mommy!" The small figure of Wrath came forward and wrapped scrawny arms around Ed's waist. Now firmly latched on like some sort of bracelet, he refused to move. _Fabulous. I get to walk around town with a chld hanging off my hip getting called 'Mommy'. That'll help my image._ Ed noted sarcastically, but couldn't get past how cute Wrath was. ((A/N: Wrath is cute, LALALA! I LOVE WRATH! HE MUST COME INTO THE STORY SOMEHOW, DAMMIT!))

"How perfect. Now I've gotta go and stir up mass chaos. Bye!" Envy transformed back into the form of the woman who had brought Ed to the closet, and left quietly.

Ed was left to drag the small child back with her to the office. It wasn't like she could do anything else, seeing as how missing work hours to be with your girlfriend didn't really happen in the military.

_-BREAK DANCE-_

When Ed got to the doors, Riza gave a questioning look at Wrath, to which Ed replied with one of her own that said, 'Later'. Riza nodded and went back to cleaning her gun. Ed turned to the doors, a rather intimidated Wrath at her side, and pushed them open.

"Come on. You can play with Mustang's gloves snicker." Ed muttered, pulling a reluctant child through the door. He didn't like the military, that was plain enough to see. With enough coaxing though she managed to get Wrath into the office and over to the couches. Sitting down, she allowed the child to snuggle up next to her. Wrath was obviously tired, since he went out like a light.

"Um. . .boss?" Havoc was giving a, WTF look to Ed and the chil. Last time he checked, sleeping with your girlfriend in the time space of an hour doesn't exactly lead to pregnancy and an eleven or so old child. Ed glared at him, as if just daring the man to utter another word.

"His name's Wra-William." Ed hastily corrected herself. She didn't imagine that the reactions would be too pretty if she led told them that it was a homunculus sleeping soundly on her lap, and that the only reason she had him was because she was doing a favor for one of the other homunculus, whom she just happened to be having an affair with. What's that called? Oh yeah. Fraternization with the enemy. ((A/N:It took me like 10 minutes to come up with that.))

When confused looks still floated around the office, she fabricated the best lie she could. "That person who I left with? Yah, this is her cousin. I'm looking after him as a favor." She supposed it was slightly true.

"By that girl, you mean your girlfriend, right?" The Colonel asked, sounding a little ticked. If anyone noticed his tone, they didn't comment, and chose to watch what Full Metal would say next.

"Yah. You could call her that." Ed replied, doing her best to keep a blank face. Roy smirked a bit at this, and gave Ed the thumbs up sign. Grinning largely, he gave a look that clearly said, 'false, sarcastic happiness'.

"Congrats on your first love child, Ed!"

_Oh yes. He would die. _Ed thought as as she tightned her automail fist in anger at Colonel Shit's words.

_**End chapter four!**_

_**A big thanks to all my reviewers, whom I love so much and am sorry for making wait so long for an update! Heehee, don't worry, there will be EdXRoy still, but Envy and Ed still have to be together for while! I'm expecting a tragic breakup scene that mostly involves Dante frying Envy's ass off.**_


	5. Mommy Is A He She?

_**Disclaimer: I own a half-chewed pen. I own purple pajamas. I do not own FMA.**_

_**A/N: I just noticed that our favorite tin can is being ignored! ALALALALA! And I know their kinda half brothers. But I don't think of it that way since it was only the boy who Hohenheim was trying to bring back to life who was their half-brother. The wsy I look at it, if Hohenheim is dead or gone, it kinda makes Ed his master. ((yah. I'm sick))**_

_**Mommy's A He-She?**_

"Hey. Did you hear? The Full Metal Alchemist is carrying a kid around! He says it's his girlfriend's cousin, but everyone's sure that it's their kid!"

"How's that possible? The kid's like ten, and Elric's only fifteen! What are you saying, he conceived the child when he was five!"

"That's the thing. We all think he's _pretending _to be that age. Like claiming he was twelve when he passed the test so he'd have more limelight. We're pegging him at twenty-five or so!"

"Cool! That means I can finally ask him out! It's won't be pedophilia anymore!"

The whispers traversed the many hallways of HQ, rating from possible to totally outlandish rumors. Ed had even heard one that said that Wrath was her kid, who she had when she was five, after being raped by a circus performer! And they didn't even bother explaining how a male could get pregnant, just said that was the reason Ed had told no one about the child.

Needless to say, as she carried the dormant Wrath to her dorm room, she felt the need to drop the sleeping sin and attack the next person who asked her, "Are the rumors true?"

Once the alchemist reached her door, she was reasonably tired. Just wanted to lie down in bed and fall asleep. A wave of guilt and annoyance washed over her. She had to explain Wrath to Al first. And explain why she hadn't been home the night before.

"HEY, AL! I'm babysitting as a favor, and last night I had to investigate something! Just going to bed now. . ." Ed shouted randomly as she shut the door behind her. The armor sitting on the couch gave off a very pissed aura, and she didn't care to stick around.

Automail arm supporting Wrath, she ran to her bed relatively fast. After setting Wrath on her bed, she pulled on some pajamas and left her discarded clothes in one corner. then she turned off the lights, lay down, pulled the covers up over her and the sleeping child, and allowed Wrath to snuggle up against her.

"Goodnight Al!" Ed said into the darkness, acutely aware of the clinking of metal coming from somewhere in the living room. She feigned sleep for a while, but soon drifted off for real, dreaming about suits of armor and broom closets.

_-La Al La Al La-_

Al was very angry. Very. Very. Very. Angry. Most of the time, the closest thing he felt to anger was annoyance to his sister's stubbornness. But now he was royally pissed. Where had Edwina been last night! Why was she bringing home homunculi? **_WHY HAD THE AUTHOR LEFT HIM OUT OF THE PAST TWO CHAPTERS?_**

And all he got in answer was Ed trying to avoid questions pertaining to her actions and pretending to be asleep. Honestly, his sister needed to be a bit more responsible!

The afore mentioned sister stumbled into the living room, still in pajamas, with a very hyper Wrath hanging off one hip.

"SISTER! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! AND WHY ON EARTH IS WRATH-KUN HERE?" Shouted Al the moment his sister was in view. She flinched slightly and rubbed her neck sheepishly.

"Last night I was doing research! And this isn't Wrath! It's William!" Replied the girl hotly as she maneuvered her way to stand in front of Al.

"William?"

"Yes. William. Now watch William for me while I have a shower and get dressed." Ed left Wrath there with Al and flew into the bathroom with amazing speed. She didn't want to deal with Al this early in the morning when her brain wasn't functioning properly.

"So armor man! You're my uncle, right?" Asked Wrath coyly, as he hopped up and down on the couch.

"Uncle?" Questioned Al warily, hands on his hips. Wrath grinned widely at him and pointed to the bathroom door.

"Well, you're Mommy's brother, right? That makes you an UNCLE!" Wrath continued to bounce on the couch, and Al prayed it wouldn't break. _Wait. Mommy? Please let that be a cute term!_

"You call Sister, 'Mommy'?" Al was now getting very lost. None of this made sense!

"Yah. Mommy's boyfriend is the oldest of the homunculi, so I all him Daddy! And since he loves her, hat makes her Mommy! And one day they'll get married and I'll move in with them and get a pet mouse!" Wrath explained proudly. He was still bouncing around like someone force fed him two tons of sugar while he slept. Al felt very faint at all his energy, and at the revelation to who his sister's 'boyfriend' was.

_-Take a sex break everyone!-_

In the time space of their very odd conversation Ed had gotten ready for work. Once dressed, she faced them with a small smile. _Won't today be fun? I can't leave Wrath home alone, and Al wants to come with me. So that means Wrath comes too._

"To the mess hall!" She cheered suddenly. Wrath followed her lead out of the door, leaving poor Al to lock up behind them and follow his sister to their usual dining area, HQ's cafeteria.

While Ed and Wrath ate, Al took to listening to the conversations. A lot of them seemed to be about his sister and Wrath ((no, he wasn't fooled by the 'William' thing)) and mentioned circuses, rape and pedophilia. Creepy. Ed was still scarfing down food while reading some sort of advanced alchemy book when Hughes decided to join them.

"So, Ed! Do you have as many pictures as me! Isn't taking and showing pictures of offspring so refreshing! Here let me prove it with pictures of Elysia-chan!" Pictures were shoved under everyone's noses while the table's occupants groaned.

"Mommy, the scary man is scaring me!" Wrath clutched on to Ed tightly, eying Hughes. Ed glared at the man, not just for scaring Wrath but interrupting her meal.

"Mommy? So is it true? You're a he-she?" Hughes leaned in, and winked to the angry chibi. "Or should I say she-he, if you get my drift." He whispered lowly, before standing up and announcing in a louder voice, "Now, good day to you! I must spread the joy of Elysia-chan to everyone!"

Ed had paled visibly under her tanned skin. Oh, she got Hughes drift. She could add another person in the military who knew her secret. "Damn."

"Is Mommy okay?" Wrath asked, giving Ed puppy eyes. Ed patted the top of his hair absently. "Yah. Let's get going."

_-Break lines they never get broken the longer you use them the stronger they get-_

"What kind of mission is that?" Squawked an outraged Ed. Wrath was too busy bouncing around sofas to care, and Al was there to stop his sister from doing something stupid.

"A simple one. Go to this town, catch the alchemist who's been making the plants attack people, come back and hand in a report." Roy replied calmly, doodling something that involved Ed's girlfriend getting fried. Before he could stop the younger alchemist, he leaned very and snatched the paper away.

"Hmm. . . Go on now, admit it." Declared Ed, who was scanning over some of the more violent drawings. Roy tried his best to not blush or do anything that would give away his feelings.

"Admit what?" The Colonel cleared his throat nervously and tried his best to act all sarcastic and bored.

"Either you're a murderer like Barry The Chopper. Or that you're deeply and madly in love with me."

Roy couldn't help it. he choked. Ed gave him a sympathetic look and patted his back.

"I'm sorry Colonel, but you're just not my type. Well, if you're gay, you're not." Ed began to stroll out of the room, Wrath and Al trailing behind. Ed turned at the last minute. "Colonel, do me favor and I won't spill to everyone your dirty little secret."

"You're desperate. Stay with your girlfriend. I don't love you, and never will." _It's more lust. BAD THOUGHTS!_ "But I'll do the favor all the same. You remember that you owe me."

Ed gave him an odd look, before pushing Wrath forward like some sort of sacrifice. "Look after William while I'm gone." And with that he left, Al behind him as usual, leaving a very mortified Colonel with a small child who was now grinning evilly.

_-And I say break it and the boys say break it 'cause they know I'm breaking it!-_

Ed was downright depressed. Really, she shouldn't be. In fact, she should be jumping for joy. But a small part of her felt like crying. _He's gay! That ruins all chances I would ever have with him! But I have Envy! I shouldn't be worrying about chances with Roy!_

Al was depressed as well. And, to much surprise, the same reasons as his sister. _If he likes men. . . he and sister can never get together! Which means she'll be with Envy! And he doesn't love her!_ Al only wanted what was best for his sister. And he couldn't really think that some psycho maniac who enjoyed wiping out the human race and making people's lives miserable could love someone.

"So Al, what do you think about the case? Strange plants attacking only hookers and whores? Isn't that a little. . . odd. . . to you?" Ed broke the silence, eyes scanning the manila folder containing information on their latest mission.

"It is a little strange. The only plant alchemists I've ever met were Fletcher and Russell." Al added his two cents, trying to escape thoughts about the Colonel, Envy and his sister.

"So. . . you think Russell is stealing money off whores which he later uses to buy medication for Fletcher?"

". . ."

"Sorry. The case is so strange we might as well make it stranger." Ed sighed and stretched lazily. "Let's go pack. Our train leaves two hours from now." Al followed his sister to their dorm and helped her pack.

They ate ((more Ed ate and Al sat there)) before walking to the train station. Boarding the train, they found an empty compartment and sat down. "Get ready for a long ride, Al." Ed commented, before curling up in a small ball and falling asleep.

_-I think I saw porno like this break line-_

This. Is. Hell.

"So you like Mommy! S-HE has someone already! Daddy! You're not gonna break them apart! Hey! Can you make fire! Can you help me make marshmallows! We can set this on fire! Please? I'll be nice! I can be nice! I don't kill no one or nothing! Hey mister, do you kill people? Why you sad? I'm no sad! I'm happy! I get to be with you! And you're funny when you act all sad and stupid! Hey, mister stupid, would you play with me? We can play tag! YOU'RE IT!" Wrath poked Roy and began to run giggling around the room. Roy could only sit there, amazed.

_Does this kid have ADD or something? _Thought an exhausted Roy, who was trying to think of anything but Ed and what he said.

"Mister Stupid?" Wrath came over and was now giving Roy a worried look. "Are you okay? You look sad. Is this about Mommy?" Wrath jumped on top of Roy's desk, sending papers everywhere. _Oh well. Now I don't have to worry about paperwork. _

"Why do you call him Mommy? Shouldn't he be Daddy?" Roy asked the youngster who was currently drawing on important papers that couldn't be replaced.

"Calling a girl Daddy is just plain funny mister stupid!" Exclaimed Wrath, totally disregarding the fact that telling Roy that Ed was a girl was probably not good.

"Last time I checked _Edward_ was a boy." Mustang was frowning now. This was definitely bonkers. Maybe the kid was high or something?

"_Edwina_ is a girl, silly! That's why Daddy is dating her!" Wrath retorted. Suddenly the young sin's face fell as a certain memory came back.

_**Flashback**_

"_Listen Wrath. No one knows I'm a girl. They think I'm a boy." Ed explained to the child latched to her hip._

"_Why?" Wrath asked, giving a confused puppy dog look to Ed. She sighed, and got down to eye level with Wrath._

"_It's complicated. But don't tell anyone I'm a girl. Call me a 'he' or 'him'. Kay?"_ _Wrath nodded._

"_I won't tell no one!" Promised the homunculus, who got a hug in return for his efforts._

_**End Flashback**_

"WHAT!" Yelled a _very _confused Roy Mustang. Wrath looked very diminished. The young boy began to wave his arms around, trying to distract the Colonel from that line of thought.

"Edwina is my real Mommy! I call Edward Mommy 'cause their names are kinda the same! The Full Metal Alchemist is a boy! Edwina is my real Mommy!" Wrath concocted, trying to cover up his slip of tongue. Roy simply stared at him in confusion and anger. He wasn't buying _William's _story.

"When your he-she mother comes back I'm giving her-him a piece of my mind!" Roared the very angry Flame Alchemist. Wrath ran for cover behind one of the couches. whimpering all the way.

_Mommy is going to be angry! And it's all my fault!_ Wailed inwardly the very depressed Wrath. After making it from behind the couch to a closet, he cowered. his would be a long couple days. ((A/N: I'm sorry Wrath! Don't angst yourself! You're helping the plot along!))

_-I gotta break it to your baby, this story is what I broke-_

Ed had been rudely awoken by the train jolting to a rough stop. After disbarking, Al a step behind, she began to patrol the streets. Apart from the two alchemists walking down the dirt road, it was rather empty. The sun was just setting, and a distinct growl in her stomach told her that dinner time was long past.

"Hey, Al? Why don't we find an inn-" Her question was cut off when a loud scream came from a block or so away. Al and Ed didn't hesitate, and both took running in the direction of the scream.

"Help! Damn it! SOME ONE HELP ME!" The feminine voice got louder as the brother and sister got closer. As they ripped around a corner, they found an interesting sight.

A woman in relatively skimpy clothes and high-heeled boots, who was viciously attempting to fight back a round plant which resembled an overgrown venus fly trap. Attempting was the operative word, since the plant was definitely knocking her around.

Not wasting a second, Ed transmuted her auto mail into a blade. Rushing forward, she sliced at the base of the plant. Then she transmuted the plant into a little dead thing.

"Fuck. I thought I was dead there!" Exclaimed the woman. Turning, Ed noticed the fact that she wasn't as old as she's first assumed, but was fifteen or so like her. Dark, midnight black hair spilled over slim shoulders. Large brown eyes blinked up at her._ I can't believe there are people my age living like this._ Thought Ed sadly.

Ed offered a hand the the girl, who gratefully accepted it. "Are you okay?" Questioned Ed, and the girl nodded in reply.

"I still have my money. I can buy food for my cat and me." Replied the girl, who was checking her money clip with a small, relieved sigh. Ed stared at here, confused. Al, on the other hand, looked happy. Well, if a suit of armor could portray emotion he would.

"Ooo! A cat! Sister, can we look at the kitty!" Squealed an excited Al. Ed scratched the back of her head, and turned to the girl.

"The culprits will have escaped by now, so if it's okay with her, I guess you can." Ed jerked a thumb to the girl, who looked slightly doubtful.

"O-okay. By the way, my name's Tawn. I'm sixteen. Occupation: Whore." The older girl said the last part with brutal force. _She's trying to scare us away._ Remarked Ed with some amusement.

"And here I thought you were fifteen! Alas, we all make mistakes." Ed turned to Al, patting his arm gingerly as too avoid spiking herself. Tawn looked slightly upset and annoyed at her reaction. "Let's go see the kitty."

Tawn began to take off briskly down the street, which was strangely still deserted despite the commotion which had occurred. The Elrics followed soon after, remaining quiet as the followed Tawn.

_-My crack is a hotter than yours-_

Everyone at HQ had gotten the, 'I'm pissed as hell' vibes which radiated in thick waves from Mustang's office. When questioned, he simply snapped something about "Damn woman and their lies." So, naturally, because the military is more of a rumor mill than a high school, the soldiers began to whisper about affairs, stolen money and circus rape. Edward Elric and little William were last weeks news.

Little William, as he was so lovingly dubbed, was being taken care of by Hawkeye who noticed the fact that he got singed whenever he approached the Colonel. The woman assumed sometimes that she was imagining things, since the burns disappeared rather quickly, which only added to thing to question Edwina about. Oh boy, that list was LONG.

_-I put a hooker in this break and it got raped-((A/N: Oo))_

Once at Tawn's, Al took straight away to cuddling the slightly larger than normal cat. Ed simply looked around, taking in the details of the apartment like they were some big break on the plant case. Tawn shifted nervously, as if the third-degree examination of her lodgings was going to reveal something she didn't want known.

After a minute or so of acting paranoid, Tawn decided to change into regular clothes. Her 'work' clothes, as she dubbed them, were left hung up for her next shift.

"What the hell is this?" The quietly deadly voice of Ed came from the next room over. Tawn had asked their names, and gotten 'Ed' (the midget) and 'Al' (the tin can). The hooker slipped into the room where she'd left the younger girl, to see her horror-filled transfixed on her 'cat.'

"My cat." Replied Tawn, who had snatched it out of Al's arms and was stroking it's pitch-black hair which fell down longer on his back like a mane. Intelligent, brown eyes woefully examined the strangers, and under it's breath he was muttering.

"No trust them. Make them gooooo." Mewled the saddened animal. Ed was glaring at her, and Tawn felt rather nervous. Al too, had noticed the gravity of the situation and was staring reproachfully at her.

"It's a chimera." Inserted Ed, forever blunt. Tawn glared angrily at her.

"HE! **He**'s a chimera! Don't call my brother an it! It's like saying he isn't human anymore!" Screeched Tawn. The words struck home with Ed, who constantly was forced to listen to people calling her little brother 'inhuman' because he was only a soul.

"He. But it's illegal to make chimeras with humans. And you used your own brother? That sick!" Ed, too, was angry.

"I didn't do it! My father did! He left me live on my own with a half-cat twin!"

"Do you have proof?" Ed sneered.

"Sister do nothing. Was daddy." The chimera spoke once again, looking sadly at Tawn, then Ed, who was about to retort. The girl scratched her head and sighed.

"I'm sorry. The last time I saw this done, a man named Shou Tucker used his daughter and his daughter to pass an assessment. Bad memories." Indeed, the memories hurt. Ed didn't enjoy visiting them in the daylight, especially when at night the nightmares were always present.

Tawn, who had been drawing her self up defensively, dropped her guard and relaxed her tight grip on the chimera-brother. "Forgiven."

"What's his name?" Ed was now curious, since the chimera was rather advanced of a specimen. Talking, and it had apparently lived long.

"Nwat. See, our names are just the other's spelled backwards." Explained Tawn. Nwat nodded before hopping to the ground with a _thump._

"Well, I guess we should leave now." Interjected Al, who was feeling rather awkward. Ed nodded.

"Bye. Nice meeting you, Nwat, Tawn. If I ever find a way to separate you from your cat half, I'll stop by again." Ed saluted, meandering over to the door. Nwat pounced and grabbed her leg. It was the auto mail one, so Ed didn't flinch when claws were sunk deep into leather.

"Take with you?" When the chibi-alchemist looked startled, Tawn cut in.

"See, Nwat wants to leave because of all the memories, but I can't save up enough. We want to go to Central." She explained.

"Take with?" Pleaded once again the chimera. Ed felt a conflict of emotions. One wanted to abandon the twins, tell them to make it on their own, but her other half wanted to bring them everywhere.

"Fine." Said Ed gruffly. "You pack, we'll deal with the plant alchemists. Meat us at the train station." Al looked startled. It wasn't the Tawn and Nwat thing ((he was so kind-hearted after all)) but the plant alchemist comment.

"But we have no leads!"

"Oh? Did I forget to mention that I have a little alchemy tag on them? They'll be relatively easy to find." Ed began to whistle as she strolled out the door, Al trailing behind.

"You could of told me! You're so irresponsible!" Clucked Al, who sounded much like a mother hen. Ed simply chortled and activated the array, which lit up a bright trail.

_-Break Line. WHAT? NO CATCHY PHRASE? I'M BROKEN-_

Roy was slowly banging his head on the desk. _It so obvious! The long hair, big eyes, slim figure, my sixth sense of female finding going off the moment we met! It was so obvious he was a she! _Our poor little pyromaniac was feeling rather stupid, now past his original rage. He decided to drown himself in paperwork.

_-I walk a broken line, the only line that I have ever broken-_

_**A/N: That's it for today, folks! Next chapter: Envy and Ed breakup, and Roy acting like a jerk!**_


	6. Whoopdee Flippin' Doo

_**Disclaimer: Why do I deny myself? I OWN FMA!**_

_**No. I don't.**_

_**A/N: ((faints a hundred times over)) ZOMG! Aztec Goddess reviewed my story! She's an awesome writer, you should check her stories out!**_

_**Whoopdee Flippin' Doo!**_

Hell. HELL. Fucking, bloody. hell. Life really was a bitch.

Ed, being the egoistical person she was, had rushed into battle without a second thought. She had obviously not realized before just how BIG the organization in control of the plant attacks was. So now, in kinky bondage fashion, she was tethered to a wall with shackles on her wrists, holding them above her head. Al? Well, quite frankly, she'd had Al run away for help.

Who was she fucking kidding? No. One. Could. Help.

"'Ey midget." Ed growled subconsciously. Retaliating would only bruise her face up, so for once she contained an outburst regarding her height. The guard took enjoyment in this, since how many people insulted the Full Metal Alchemist and survived?

"..yes" The guard, who she had dubbed 'Brute', leered unpleasantly at her. The stench of beer and possibly drugs wafted out of his grinning maw to totally zone out her senses.

"Lord Maggur 'as _requested_ you. In th' bed chambers, no less." Ooo, how Ed yearned to bash in his none-too pretty face.

_I'm gonna get raped by some freak who thinks I'm a boy! _Ed began to twitch nervously as Brute untied her manacles and began to roughhouse her towards the door, hitting her and groping her ass on more than one occasion.

The halls were empty apart from patrolling guards, and some people giving status reports on things like, "Another killed by Town Square. 80 done." and, "Caught Full Metal! Heard Maggur's gonna have his way with the little boy."

She sneered as she continued to get pushed along, wrists being held in a forceful grasp by Brute. Even her auto mail couldn't throw off the bigger opponent, judging from their position. She could only be led along and hope for an opening. _Come on Al! I'm counting on you!_

_-Break the story and you break the author.-_

Al couldn't decide what to do. Rush in and ave his sister, or go call reinforcements? He stood a block away, wavering between his choices.

_Reinforcements. _Al decided, and began to sprint to the nearest house. He knocked on the door loudly, and a pale, twitchy man answered.

"Sir, I need to use your phone! It's very important." Al said quickly. The man looked him very suspiciously. But in the end he nodded, pulled the door open wide and indicated the phone in the corner. Al grasped it quickly, and dialed, with some difficulty, the military number of Roy Mustang.

_Ring. Ring._

"**Hello. You have contacted Colonel Roy Mustang. Please give identification access for calls from outside lines."**

"Edward Elric, The Full metal Alchemist. 1311. Alphonse, Alchemy and Stone." Al was glad that is sister had informed him of the access code. If not, he would be in trouble.

He didn't notice the fact that the pale man's eyes had widened in surprise as Al had spoke. Dropping the dishtowel he had been holding, he bolted for the exit, trying his best to cover up the transmutation circles on his hands. His blue hair whipped behind him, and golden eyes narrowed in suspicion and anger. ((A/N: Dude, it's Kimblee! Why is in here? I DON'T KNOW!))

"**Access code correct. Connecting you to the Colonel Mustang's phone. Please stand by."**

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

"**Colonel Roy Mustang."**

"Colonel! Please, I need your help!"

"**Al? What's up? Wait-IS ED THERE?"**

"That's what I called you about! Ed's been kidnapped by the people behind the plant alchemy attacks!"

"**Crap. I'll send reinforcements. Wait at the train station."**

"Hurry, Colonel!"

Al hung up the phone, and turned to thank the man. "Thank you sir-huh?" Al was rather confused, since the guy had vanished. Shrugging his shoulders in a big clinking of metal, he began to head for the train station. _Don't worry sister! We're coming for you!_

_-Break it, break it, yeah yeah!-_

The door was hardly intricate at all, it simply stood as an unneeded barrier. Brute knocked politely, which was enough to make Ed giggle. But when the door swung open, she stopped immediately and stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. Ed could barely stop herself from staring some more. _What's he doing here?_

"Lord Maggur, I's brought th' midget." Brute pushed Ed forward, and she stumbled slightly. The man who had opened the door caught her with a grin.

"Thank you, Thisyl. That was nice of you." Maggur closed the door squarely in the face of the burly man. _Thisyl? Oh god... _While Ed mentally cracked up at Brute's real name, her mouth chose to run off.

"So, I suppose you're going to get a real kick out of raping me in that form." Ed, wrists still tied together, plopped herself down in one of the plush seats and faced 'Maggur'. Oh yeah, like that would work on her. She doubted Hughes spent his free time running a cult that attacked whores miles away from Central. So, the logical answer would be someone who could change forms. _So. . .logically. . ._

Envy sat down on the chair's twin, resting his feet on Ed's lap. "How dare you accuse me of being that cute and young boy!" He said teasingly, still wearing Hughes' face. Ed giggled slightly at this comment.

"That sounded rather like. . . pedophilia coming from that shape." Which it did, so Envy finally changed back to his palm-tree-ish form.

"I wouldn't be talking about pedophilia. I mean, I'm over 400 years, and you're like, what, 15? I dunno. . ." Envy beckoned her to stand up, and she obeyed. He twirled his finger in a circular motion, and Ed turned around. She doubted Envy would actually rape her. Well, he was psychopathic, but not that much. The answer to what he was doing came when the bounds around her wrists loosened and hit the ground. Before she could turn around, the sin pressed a small, circular band into her palm. A hand pressed her shoulder, as if to prevent her from moving.

"Master. . .Master doesn't approve of our relationship." Began the homunculus, and Ed wondered where this was heading. "Before she didn't really take action, but now that we've gotten farther than we should, she says she'll kill you if I don't leave you." Ed stiffened, and frowned, and began to speak herself.

"But, you won't let the old bat do any-" The chibi-alchemist was cut off as a lithe arm slipped up her neck and covered her mouth, preventing her from speaking more.

"She's serious. So it's over. Nothing really to be over with, but we can't see each other anymore. Unless it's in a fight of course." Envy sounded slightly forlorn, then pushed her towards the farthest wall. "This will lead you outside. If you run, you'll probably make it." Envy's voice, which had been at a low whisper, suddenly raised as he resumed 'Maggur' form. "GUARDS! QUICK! THE PRISONER IS ESCAPING! GUARDS!"

Taking this as her cue to leave, the girl rushed forward to the wall and alcemized a hole into the stone. Pushing all the anger, hatred and depression she felt at the moment into her alchemy, she successfully managed to spike anyone who came near to her. Then, in a burst of speed, she made it to the concrete-and-barbed-wires wall surrounding the compound. Alchemizing another hole ((A/N: Is alchmize even a word?)) into the concrete, then closing it behind her, she successfully managed to escape her perusers.

She sprinted a distance until she found the glowing lights of the train station. It was now dark out, and the panting girl repeatedly tripped on protruding rocks and such. But finally she made it, gasping. one hand clutching her chest in support, the other still gripping the object Envy had given her. _Envy, oh god. Why?_

"Ed!" The voice cut through Ed's gloom, for she recognized it to be Al's. As expected, the afore mentioned suit of armor came lumbering out of the shadows in the train station. Behind him stood a worried Tawn, her brother sinking claws into the wood of the train benches.

"Ed, where were you? Aren't you supposed to be captured?" Questioned Tawn, who was still taking in Ed's battered appearance with shock-widened eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'll just go back there if it means so much to you." Drawled Ed with a sarcastic tone, resting her body on one of he benches. Tawn glowered at her and joined the militarist.

"There's no need to be rude, sister. It's just that I called reinforcments. They'll be here any minute." Al informed her, and Ed felt like smacking him. Wouldn't exactly damage, but he'd still get the idea.

"Now everyone's gonna call me a weak little girl!" Complained Edwina as she banged her head slowly against the wall behind her back. Tawn found this amusing, though Nwst seemed slightly worried. Al was just cross.

"Sister, you **are **a girl." Interjected Al. Ed just banged her head once again on the building.

None noticed the fact that cars were approaching rather quickly and silently. They didn't notice the militarists piling out. But they sure as hell noticed the gun shot that went off.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR YOU BITCH!" Screeched the angry former whore, as she pointed a finger angrily at the blond who had fired the shot. It had been rather close to her.

"We should be asking the same question. Is this your idea as a joke, Ed? Getitng Al to call for reinforcements when you're perfectly fine?" The Colonel stepped forward into the light of the station, Hawkeye, Fury, Havoc, Breda and Falman close behind.

"IF YOU CALL HAVING HALF MY FACE BASHED IN PERFECTLY FINE!" Ed joined Tawn in the 'Yell At The Military' game.

"Please Colonel, you must understand. Brother was captured, but he only got here minutes before you." Al explained, holding Ed's arms so she wouldn't go into Attack Mode. The Colonel Mustang turned his full attention to Ed.

"Brother? I was informed it's 'Sister'. . ." Roy trailed off, and Ed stood slightly shocked. _Oops. I dropped too many hints._

"Who..?" Al turned his metal head around, his gaze landing on Hawkeye. Ed smacked him, hard, well he assumed it was hard, he couldn't really feel anything.

"Would you give it a rest! All your stupid jokes about me looking girly are getting old, bastard. I. Am. A. Guy." If looks could kill, the Colonel would be six feet under. Sadly, unless you have lasers coming out of your eye sockets, looks CAN'T kill, so Mustang was alive and well enough to raise one gloved hand.

The reactive cloth sparked with a single snap, the oxygen level changed, and the flames sprouted around Full Metal. Using her namesake arm, she managed to ward off the most of it, but the rest got under her guard and burned her coat, undercoat and tank top. If it weren't for her chest bindings, she's be half-naked. The fire stopped abruptly, and Ed could distinctly feel the bindings slipping slightly.

Transmuting the bandages into a suitable top, revealing her nice figure, she decided she was ready to teach the smug bastard a lesson. _Go ruin my secret in front of everyone. . .BASTARD!_

Auto mail arm glinting fiercely in the soft glow of lamps, she right hooked the Colonel in the face. Feeling satisfaction in the fact he hit one of the cars with a painful THUMP, she turned to the militarists.

"Hey there. Sorry about flooring the Colonel, he was annoying me. FALMAN, STOP LOOKING AT MY CHEST!"

There really was no point in hiding it now. Really, even they weren't dense enough to fall for whatever excuse she could cook up on the fly.

"Boss. . .you're a girl. . ." Havoc's cigarette had fallen from his gaping mouth. Pulling out a new one, he lit it with trembling hands. It took him several tries, but soon he had successfully nicotined his mouth.

"No, I'm a freaking hermaphrodite. YES I AM A GIRL." The pint-sized alchemist snarled. Alphonse put a comforting hand on Edwina's shoulder.

"Oi, stop acting so surprised. I want to get to Central, and get there fast." Tawn cut in, getting rather tired at all the soap opera worthy drama. _Geez, doesn't the military do anything productive anymore? _Thought the sullen teen, petting Nawt's head, who had decided to crawl onto her lap.

Hawkeye helped the Colonel to his feet, brushing off the dirt on his uniform. "That girl is right. Yes Colonel, Edwina is female, get over it." Roy gave her a suspicious look mingled with shock.

"You already knew?" Gasped the man, and Tawn slapped a manicured hand to her pale forehead.

"STOP BEING SUCH A DRAMA LLAMA!" Everyone spun to face Tawn, 'cause come on, if some just shouted that, how would you react?

"Fine. We'll talk about this later. Come one people, move out at my lead. We have a job to do, and that's take out this organization." The militarists all surrounded Roy, and they set off into the darkness, following Ed's lead.

Tawn, Nwat and Al remained at the train station, patiently awaiting the return of Edwina. . .

_-Of, fuck off...-_

A/N: Blah, this chapter wasn't too good. It was short, and the ending sucked. But the next chapter will be better!


	7. Men Have Chests Too

_**A/N: Sorry for the wait! I'm a lazy ass. Also, nmy father updated the computer and I lsot all my work..not that that's an excuse.**_

_**Disclaimer: Today, I took a gun to Arakwa'a house. I held her at gunpoint until she willed FMA to me. Now, be amazed as you watch Ed get raped by Tucker!**_

_**Just kidding.**_

_**Or am I?**_

_**Men Have Chests Too**_

Have you ever felt like god has some sort of personal vendetta against you ever since you spat at his name?

Have you ever felt like life would be easier if you could order around everyone like slaves?

Have you ever beens so angst-ridden and angry that when things happen, you just sit back and yawn?

Well then, you could be like Edwina Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist, who was totally lost at just what to do when it came time to explain her gender.

They were walking the dark roads with care, seeing as how tripping wouldn't look very professional. Most of the guys kept glancing at Ed's curves, and the other woman, a.k.a. Hawkeye, was busy checking her guns with a slightly sadistic happiness.

_'You shouldn't be so worried Ed.' _Mentally chided the teen, who was walking at the head of the group in order to lead them to their destination. _'Look at Riza. She's female, and the males all treat her like one of them, even if her boobs are bigger than mine.' _Frowning, she glanced over at said militarist and noticed that the voices in her head were correct. _'I'll just bash in the heads until they stop staring. What, do they think I haven't noticed? The Colonel especially...'_

Not liking where her thoughts were taking her, she forced her attention back on the walls visible in the light of false dawn. Ed slapped her hands together, startling those around her.

"Okay, this is the plan." Hissed the young alchemist. "Havoc, Flaman, Fury and Breda can take the front. Me'n Riza and Colonel Shit will take the back." Satisfied with her idea, she turned and began to march towards the building. Hawkeye was right behind her, the Colonel stumbling to keep up. The others were listening to her plan, oddly enough.

"Fullmetal." Growled Roy as he drew even with her, tugging his gloves more. "May I remind you I'm the highest ranking officer here? I give the orders, not you." The man was clearly upset, whether it be on the fact he was being bossed around by a midget or he hadn't had coffee in a few hours.

"Sir-" Began Hawkeye, shooting him a glance as she brought up her gun. Just a tad, but enough for the dark haired Colonel to get the message. But Ed brought up her hand, shaking her pretty blond head.

"Sorry, _sir._" Drawled Ed sarcastically. "I thought you were too interested in my chest to make a plan. My mistake."

THAT put the Colonel in his place. Feeling satisfied, Ed turned to Riza, who was smiling despite herself. They had reached the large, outer wall, and something about it made Ed frown.

"What's the matter, Ed?" Asked Riza, cocking her gun as she looked around carefully for the one thing that had made the Fullmetal Alchemist stop in her path.

The guards were all gone. Every single one of them.

_-Breaking my cowboy hat with a metal lasso-_

"Is this some kind of joke, Fullmetal?" Questioned Mustang as he glanced around the empty enclosure. Grace to Ed's amazing alchemical abilities, it had been _Clap, Slap, Bam! _to get in. The trio now stood, half expecting a tumbleweed to blow past.

But it didn't, because the place was so damn empty in didn't even have an overused joke floating around.

"Ya, SUPRISE! Just for you, I created a cult, killed a bunch of hookers, captured myself, beat myself up and ended the cult after getting Al to call for help!" Snarled Ed, stomping her booted foot angrily. Roy found this oddly cute, but turned his metal prowess to making a retort instead of being a pedophile.

"Well, if the shoe fits, Fullmetal!" Replied Roy, still giving Ed a good look. _'I swear.'_ He thought, _'I have a possessed eye.'_

" 'If the shoe fits'?" Yelled Ed. "WHAT ARE YOU, FIFTY? COME HERE YOU OLD GEEZER, I'LL TEACH YOU A PROPER INSULT!" Before Roy could take Ed up on this—he wasn't sure if he'd deck Fullmetal (his cheek still hurt!) or kiss her (damn her sexy body!)---Riza came between and fired a single shot.

"Sir, stop taunting Ed. And Ed, he's only 28." This seemed to settle the two, and Riza gave a satisfied nod. Roy however, had one last thing to ask.

"Taunting?" Cried the outraged Colonel. His lack of caffeine was making his grumpy as hell and possible PMS-y. "He was the one make fun of my age!" Roy did his best to not whine, he honestly did, but he was having a bad day.

"Shut up Colonel." Riza said, as calm as ever. Mustang sighed, rubbing his forehead. "You're alerting them of our presence."

"Them? Them who?" Asked Ed, and Roy actually noticed she appeared to be tired and slightly sad. "The dustmites?"

"For once, I actually agree with Fullmetal." Roy scanned the building, before heading towards it. "There's no one here, Hawkeye. We'll conduct the proper search for paperwork, and evidence, but it seems the organization is long gone." It appeared he was actually over his sudden burst of immaturity, so the other two followed in mute agreement.

_-Ligne casse...I need to improve my french...WARNING...AHEAD IS TOTAL CRACK and SWEAR WORDS-_

While the gun woman and two alchemists had began to head towards the abandoned building, the others had been staring at the tall wall that blocked their path in confusion.

"So.." Said Havoc, tilting his head back. The wall was very tall. He doubted the he could crane his neck anymore. _CRASCK!_ Wait. Now he could see the blue, blue sky. After realigning his spine, he turned to his fellow militarists, who were just as lost as he was. "What do we do now?"

"I don't think we can get over that wall." Commented Breda, scratching his head. He held an amazing resemblance to a gorilla when he did so, noted Fury.

"Not a chance." Added Falman, turning away from the architectural monstrosity to look at the blue, blue sky.

"We have to. Or the other three will be angry." Fury said in a small voice as he imagined an angry Flame, Fullmetal and Gun Otaku.

"Good point." Said Havoc slowly, pulling out his gun. Then other three edged away slightly, worried as to what the smoker was planning. "I have an idea. Let's shoot at this 5-foot-thick-wall until we can get through the hole made."

The others looked at each other, and, one by one shrugged in acceptance. They all pulled out their guns, and as if the cement creation was their mortal enemy, began to fire at will.

"Die you fatherless bastard!" Yelled Havoc, imagining the smirking Colonel's face on the wall. The inspiration of yelling at the inanimate objects made the militarists think of mean things to yell at the innocent wall.

"Motherfucking whore!" Screeched Breda, dodging the ricochet bullets and spraying cement. Falman took his cue, pulling a gun and beginning to shoot.

"Asshole! Bitch!" Shouted the normally steady man, letting loose a spray of bullets. When Fury said nothing, the others looked over at him and he gulped.

"Um...take this, meany face!" Squeaked Fury, before dropping his gun and crying. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that-what?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

Finally, Havoc shook his head and continued to fire. Falman and Breda followed suit, while Fury went off to mourn the fact he'd made fun of someone.

"More! More!" Said an excited Havoc, grinning foolishly. "I see a small hole! Keep firing men!" Just as the began to pull out a rifle launcher, Fury came over and coughed quietly. He tapped the nicotine-obsessed blonde on the shoulder, squeaking when Jean glared at him.

"What is it Fury? Can't you see I'm busy?" Havoc waved his gun around, and a few bullets went into town. Fury sighed, glad the town was empty.

"Um, Havoc..there's a door over there." Fury pointed at the large, wooden door around 3 feet away. Jean, Vato and Heymans looked in the direction on Cain's finger and saw he was right.

"Well then.." Havoc cleared his throat, staring upwards for a moment before heading towards the door. "Let's go men. And we don't ever mention this." He said this with a menacing wave of his gun, and the others sweat dropped and nodded.

And that was how Havoc, Falman, Breda and Fury got into the enclosure.

_-I told you it was crack...hey, CRACK BREAK!-_

Alphonse, Tawn and Nwat had all waited at the train station patiently. Well, semi-patiently, Tawn kept looking at the clock over the ticket booth. The others had been gone for an hour and one minute, and thirty-three seconds...thirty-four...thirty-five...

Al sighed, as much as he could, and walked over to the militarists cars. They'd left some doors open. Al, being the neat freak his sister often teased him to be, had been trying to stop his OCD-ness from making him shut the doors. But it had become too much.

So, gently (he didn't want to pay for a broken car), he began to close the doors. He had come to his last one, ignoring the looks Nwat was giving him (Tawn was too busy counting off the seconds—fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five), and had been about to close it when he saw who lay in the back seat.

Blue-purple eyes widened in surprise and happiness, while long, dark hair was pushed back. "Uncle Al!" Squealed the homunculus Wrath, jumping his 'Uncle' and luckily dodging all the sharp parts on his armor.

"Wrath-kun? What are you doing here?" Asked Al holding the elder ((A/N: Wrath is older than Al by ten years or so)) in his arms. He closed the final car door and made his way back over to the twins.

"Miss Rizzy was nice enough to bring me! Can I see Mommy? I fell asleep in the car. It was bumpy, but fun! Mister Snap kept looking mad. I was fun! Hey! Uncle Al! Look! A kity!" Before Al could correct Wrath on what Nwat was, the sin had jumped down and begun to cuddle the chimera, who apparently enjoyed it, nosing Wrath's ear.

_'Miss Rizzy?'_ Questioned Al mentally, watching the homunculus and chimera happily. _'Oh. Miss Hawkeye.' _Al sat down gingerly on the bench, watching Wrath and Nwat play. Tawn was still counting the minutes (I'll spare you), and not much else was happening.

Except the bagel stand was about to open.

_-Pot Isn't Addictive..Messed up Break Line Are!-_

After a thorough search of the building, Roy, Riza and Ed sat on a pair of hard back chairs and sighed. The trio had met up with the other four, who were currently wiping sweaty and dusty faces while sitting down as well.

The search had revealed nothing. It was utterly useless, a waste of time. But the mindless job gave Ed one good thing. It gave her time to think.

About Envy, about Roy, about Wrath who she just wanted to cuddle...and the ring. It hadn't been until Mustang had asked the blond what she was holding so tightly the she noticed in was still in her palm. After telling the unconvinced Colonel it was nothing, Ed had gone to a separate room in order to examine Envy's final gift to her.

It was shaped like the orborous, symbol of the cycle of life and death, that the homunculi had on different parts of their body. The one Ed had was crimson, flecked with black and gold. It was amazingly well detailed, with two tiny diamonds as eyes. Calling it a ring was vague, since it was large enough to go on Armstrong's pinkie (about the size of two thumbs). Ed hoped this wasn't a comment on her size, as she strongly suspected.

Because of how large it was, Ed had transmuted a fine chain to hang it on, before putting the almost-necklace around her neck.

She was angry at Envy for giving her such a pretty thing when, the next time they met, it would be a fight to the death. Her heart and mind were conflicted.

Which was probably why her face was contorted enough to get Riza's attention. "Ed, are you okay? You seem sick." Asked the worried militarist, frowning.

Roy heard this, as did the others. "Yes, Fullmetal, are sick? We can't have that?" Ed watched his hand come out to check her forehead for temperature, and she scowled.

"Don't touch me." Ordered the teen, before using her automail hand to cool down her face. She did feel slightly ill, but that was beside the point. "It's nothing. Woman crap."

She watched in suspicion as Roy began to smirk, retracting his arm. "Woman, Fullmetal? I'd think someone of your stature would be considered just a _little _girl."

_'5...4...3...2...1...' _Thought a tired 'Rizy' as she watched a tic form on the small alchemist's forehead. Sure enough, upon 0, Ed drew herself up, took a deep breath, and screamed:

"**WHO'S-SO-SMALL-THEY-COULD-PASS-AS-A-RING-THAT'S-NOT-A-RING-BUT-STILL-SMALLER-THAN-YOU-SO-YOU-CAN-MAKE-FUN-OF-IT!" **Riza raised a blond eyebrow at the..original...outburst, before putting a hand on the midget's shoulder.

"Calm down Ed, he didn't say that." She assured, while Havoc suddenly looked like he had been hit with a brilliant idea. For some reason, the three who'd joined him at the front looked nervously at his gun at this.

"That's right Boss. _Woman crap. _Are you going to explain why you're a girl?" Asked Jean, and his three comrades sighed in relief.

"Well..." Now settled, Ed began to chew her lip, unaware on how it made her look in the eyes of some pedophiles in the room. "I was afraid what people would think if not just a 12-year-old passed, but a 12-year-old girl. And my mom always wanted a son named Edward." She tugged at her braid. "Also, you can't tell Al this one..." she blushed, staring out the window. "My old lover told me it would be a riot if he could watch people call me 'Edward'. I told him it would be a riot if I could watch people call him 'Gender-confused anorexic palm-tree'." Ed decided she felt safe enough saying this, since none of the others had ever met Envy.

They all raised an eyebrow at the 'Gender-confused anorexic palm-tree' part, but remained silent. That is, until Mustang added his two cents. "Sooo...how many people know you're female?"

Ed, who had been expecting some comment or another on her story, gave the man a surprised look. Then she answered, mentally ticking it off. "Al, Tawn, Nwat, Wr-William, that guy I was telling you about, Auntie Pinako, Winry-I don't know if she's dead or not though, and you guys." She finished with a sigh as she remembered her best friend forever, Winry Rockbell, who disappeared shortly after the death of her parents. ((A/N: You thought I'd forgotten her, didn't you? Well, if you read the first chapter, you notice that I mention Winry's disappearance))

"That's good to know. I can't wait to see how we'll announce it publicly." Mustang absently rubbed his chin, noticing he needed to shave soon.

"I don't want anyone to know." Replied Ed sullenly. She leaned back in her chair and frowned. "It's my decision, and I'd rather avoid getting mobbed by the press."

"Fine..." Sighed Roy. "Let's get going."

The chairs scraped as the militarists got up and began to head out the building and to the ones waiting for them at the train station.

_-BREAK LINE!-_

Ed had been happy to be reunited with Wrath, it appeared. Al watched with a head shake as she ran over and jumped Wrath, who was still holding Nwat.

"Wr-William! I missed you!" Ed announced, making a Homunculus X Chimera X Alchemist sandwich while she hugged her pretend-son.

"Hey, can we go now? Asked Tawn, breaking up the semi-adorable moment. "And you're suffocating Nwat."

"Oops..." Muttered Ed as she pulled out the flattened Nwat, tossing him at an outraged Tawn. "Yah...let's go."

"Get in the cars everyone!" Ordered Mustang, putting his arm up in the air. Al wondered if he was trying to imitate superman.

"Here Al! I transmuted this car so you can fit!" Announced Ed, looking insanely proud at the simple transmutation of a hole in the roof of one car. Al's thoughts, now pulled away from what the Colonel would like wearing superman's outfit (with his big sister as wonder woman), climbed in. Ed followed, along with Wrath. Tawn and Nawt sat in the front seat while Riza came to drive.

When everyone was in place, the cars set off, going into a rather cool arrow formation. They had been driving for ten minutes when Riza commented, "it looks like rain."

Sure enough, Alphonse, as he looked up, saw a bunch of thunderheads. Which was a problem, seeing as how, from the shoulders up, he was outside the car.

"Sister...um...my blood seal.." Al said nervously, putting his hand where he assumed Ed to be. He got no answer. Watching a drop of water hit the roof, he panicked. "SISTER!" Sure, his mother had done the blood seal, but Ed knew about it.

Finally, Ed said something. Al was relieved, until he heard what she was saying-well, screaming. "WOW! WITH ALL THE WIND PRESSURE, I CAN'T HEAR A SINGLE THING AL SAYS! GOOD THING HIS LIFE ISN'T IN DANGER!"

There was a collection of raining, and Al hit his head on the roof. _'Stupid Edwina and her stupid mental issues!' _He thought angrily. Finally, five minutes later, when lightning began to flash and thunder boom, the rain began to pour in sheets, Al almost cried.

But he couldn't, 'cause he's nothing but a soul in a suit of armor! Haha.

_-Break Line-_

Meanwhile, inside Riza's car, Ed, Tawn and Wrath were in a very extreme game of Chinese Checkers. Everyone was dry, warm and happy.

"Ed, I think your brother is going to be caught in the storm." Commented Riza, breaking Ed's concentration. She sighed, putting her wooden ball in a random place (she'd transmuted it all for fun), and glanced out the window.

"Don't worry. Al will be fine. That storm is miles away." The alchemist said this with such confidence, that when Wrath said "Look Mommy! It's raining cats and frogs!" Ed pouted.

"What about Al?" Asked Tawn, breaking through Ed's 'My Pride Has Been Ruined Angst Session'. Ed simply waved a hand in dismissal.

Al's smart...don't worry about it." So they got back to thei game of Chinese Checkers, forgetting about the suit of armor that was Al and his blood seal.

Which was kinda amazing since his body was taking up half the car.

_-Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkk-_

Hastily, Al transmuted a small shield for his blood seal, which forced him to lay his helm on the car room. It was very awkward. But not as _awkward _as Ed was going to be when this trip was over. He'd teach her what it felt like to be left in the rain like a kitten or suit of armor.

"No fair sky. This is the second time you've cried when I've wanted to. I hope you're happy with yourself." Al decided this wasn't enough to describe his anger, so he added, "Bitch."

_**End Chapter**_

_**A/N: Shorter than usual, I know. But still, at least it's an update. And Al's immortal life is in danger...**_


	8. Emotions Beget Promotions

_**Disclaimer: phear me fro i owne fms!11 i rox ur sox111 haaaaadsofjhakjhfadjkfdslgnlsn;l!111 one + shift**_

_**nott rly.**_

_**A/N: Wow. Only a few more chapters to go. And a cookie goes to those who can translate my noob speak.**_

_**Emotions Beget Promotions**_

In the few weeks since the discovery of Ed's true gender and her breakup with Envy, nothing overly exciting had passed. Wrath continued to live with his 'Mommy' and 'Uncle', though it had taken time to explain why 'Daddy' was no longer around. Of course, the little homunculus enjoyed having Tawn and Nwat in his place.

Ed had taken a break from going on missions, instead settling for re-reading the books in the library for the sixth time. She was unsure on what would happen if she looked for the Stone. The homunculi would come, certainly. And that meant Envy. And that meant killing Envy. Or Envy killing her.

Really. When she heard 'normal' girls chatting about their boyfriends acting retarded, Ed wanted to beat their faces in. She had worse problems. Her boyfriend --- ex-boyfriend --- was after her blood. And they still loved each other. Or Ed still did.

She was rather unsure about her feelings. She'd been ten when she'd first said them. Maybe she'd been unable to actually recognize love. Maybe she'd confused another emotion, like friendship or respect with adoration. After all, someone in love didn't get large crushes on other guys, right?

Well, crush was one way to term it. Perhaps 'completely and utterly infatuated' would be another. Ed just couldn't get her mind around her feelings for Roy. Roy. Yes, she was in love with her CO, and calling him by his first name.

Logic tolled her she had a chance. He was always checking her out, had been insanely jealous of 'Edward's supposed girlfriend', and he sometimes muttered something about 'being in love with a midget'.

But, as we all know, logic has very little place in the life of Edwina Elric. She mourned the fact that he was dating, glared at Riza whenever Roy looked at her too long, and was completely certain that she'd end up and old maid.

Ed would be lying if she said her fear of Envy was the only thing keeping her in Central.

"Sister?" Ed glanced over at Alphonse, who was holding a small stack of books. "These are the last books in the alchemy section." The suit of armor shifted in barely contained boredom.

"The last? Gimme." Ed took the books from Al, and flipped through each. "No good. I memorized these already." She turned to Al. "We're done. What time is that?"

"The seventh, sister." Replied the suit of armor, before he clanked a bit. "Should we visit the Colonel for a mission?" Al asked tentatively, since the last time he'd mentioned this, his older sister had walked into a wall while making up excuses to avoid the man. And since Al had never gotten revenge for being left in the rain, he'd begun to tease Ed about it for days.

"Fine." Sighed Ed, leaving the books in a neat pile. "Let's go." She got up and left, waving a goodbye to some people she knew. Al followed, politely nodding to the occasional librarian.

They traversed the streets of Central until they reached the military building, whereupon they entered and began to make their way to the Colonel's office. Oddly enough, Roy was standing on his desk, wearing nothing but his boxers and singing into a stapler. The rest of his subordinates were either dancing around, or, in Riza's case, looking completely lost and scared.

Ed was officially a pervert. The first thing her amber eyes set on was Mustang's crotch, until she managed to drag them up to the delighted face of the one Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist.

"What the heck are you doing!" Asked Ed, coming over in order to glare very far up at Roy, who blushed a faint pink in embarrassment, dropping his stapler. "What are you, a stripper?"

"Uh...well...brain not functioning." Replied the dark haired man as he sat down heavily on the desk, still pink, while looking at anyone but Ed.

"Well, Ed, Mustang just got promoted to General and he decided to...celebrate." Riza intervened, pushing Ed down on a couch, Al following quietly.

Understanding flashed on Ed's face, and she grinned. "Ooooh! Mustang is drunk! That would explain why he's so red!" Roy flushed further.

"Actually Ed, that's because-" Hawkeye began, beginning her delicate trodding into the area of Roy's feelings. Luckily for the unsuspecting Ed and frightened Roy, the dark haired man made an interruption.

"Err..Hawkeye, could you go get me a new stapler? I kinda broke this one." Roy scratched the back of his head, pointing to the stapler which looked like someone had picked up a chair and slammed it. Which **was**what Roy had done, but any who...

"I could get it." Inserted Havoc, being the first one of the males to rise from their miniskirt fantasizing. Roy looked like he was struggling with the urge to set the smoking blond on fire, while Riza and Ed watched in amusement.

"Don't worry Havoc. I'll do it." Hawkeye walked out quickly, afraid that if she was there any longer she'd start laughing at the desperate look on her superior's face.

Havoc followed Hawkeye, perhaps with the hope that he would get locked in the supply closet with her. He did have a teensy tiny crush on the other blond. Fury, Falman and Breda all got back to work, secretly eavesdropping on the conversation between the midget and boxer-wearing man.

"Um, Col—General, sister and I have come to get a mission." Al broke the silence, because both his sister and the General were doing their best to ignore each other's gazes. Al wasn't a dumb boy...err...suit of armor. He knew what was going on, to an extent.

"Well then...I had one..." Roy slid off his desk, and began to look through the very few papers on the desk that had managed to stay in place despite his dancing. After a few seconds, Ed cleared her throat pointedly. "I appear to not have it anymore, Fullmetal. I think it, err..." Roy trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

"It what?" Asked Ed, trying to keep her pretty eyes off of the General's ass. He turned, and she got a good look at his crotch once again. She turned her head, staring at the ceiling. Al watched Mustang fidget and his sister avoid his gaze with a sigh.

"It flew out the window when I opened it to...to...to sing a song." Admitted the onyx-eyed man, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked at the window which was indeed open. He'd wanted to sing for the lowly militarists. Apparently when he was happy, he didn't make the best decisions.

"Sing a song? What the heck Mustang." Ed, despite herself, looked up at the General in confusion and amusement. Then she started to imagine Roy singing...was his voice just as sexy as it was when he spoke..?

Al watched Ed drift off into dream land, and shook his helm. He then turned to Mustang, who was trying his best to look professional in boxers. "Is there nothing else to do General?" Al asked politely, shifting his weight slightly.

Mustang frowned, rubbing his chin. "There isn't, oddly enough. Ever since the plant alchemist case, the amount of crimes and rumors of the Stone fell off dramatically. Like someone was playing around with the country and stopped for some reason." The man said, completely unaware on how correct he was.

Ed snapped out of her daze, and pouted. She had an idea why this was, but she wouldn't disclose it with her superior...even if he did have the finest ass in all of Amestris. "Come on Al. Let's go reread those library books." She ordered, stomping out of the room. More than anything, she wanted to ask Envy what the fuck was going on.

"Goodbye Fullmetal." Roy mumbled, watching the woman of his dreams storm out. He had an idea she knew something, but he wasn't about to press her for details. "I think I'll just dance around a bit..."

_-Break lines are like borders...black people can't cross 'em! Well, that was racist and dumb...whateva!-_

**THE TESTS OF THE NINJA-- In another world, ninja are the ultimate power-and in the village of Konohogakure live the stealthiest ninja in the world. But twelve years ago Konohagakure was attacked by a fearsome threat-a nine-tailed fox demon which claimed the life of the Hokage, the village champion. Today, peace has returned, and a trouble making orphan named Uzumaki Naruto is struggling to graduate from the Ninja Academy. His goal: to become the next Hokage. But unknown to Naruto and his classmates, within him is a terrifying force...**

...and in Amestris, there was another trouble making male who contained a terrifying force...FOR HE HAD RECENTLY BEEN FORCED TO DUMP HIS GIRLFRIEND AND WAS NOW EMO!

Weeeeeeeeell, it may not be as exciting as a nine-tailed fox demon, but whatever. Envy was currently sitting on the roof of the homunculi's mansion, staring off into the distance moodily. It's nighttime, indicating some time has occurred since the Boxer Incident (as it was affectionately dubbed). It's a full moon, which bathes Envy's oh-so-milky skin in paleness.

Envy was contemplating. Not something he did often. Really, he had a one-track mind. went like this: Killing, Hate, Killing, Ed, Killing, Evilness, Killing, How Cute He Looked In A Skort, Killing, How Much Of A Bitch Dante Was, Killing, Hohenheim, Killing, and did we mention Killing?

Now he was thinking about how he felt, and all the woman's crap. Woman's crap. that made him think of Ed. Angst. Emo. Emo and Angst combined. Mangsto.

"What are you doing Envy? Trying to wish upon a star?" The sultry voice of Lust distracted Envy from his thoughts, and he glanced over at the female homunculus, who was currently staring at the moon in vague interest. Apparently homunculi liked heights. He guessed it had something to do with the fact they were always sitting on roofs and in trees.

"...thinking." Answered Envy shortly, not really in the mood for company. Any company. That included falsely created humans with boobs as big as their attitude.

"Not something you do often, mmm?" Asked Lust, standing behind Envy. The transvestite didn't even need to look over his shoulder to tell she was in her favorite pose: arms crossed in order to increase how large her breasts looked.

Gawd, Lust was such a ho.

Not that Envy should be talking...

"Shut up. I was thinking about Edo." Replied Envy, pouting as he watched a pair of deer prance by. Wow. He'd thought that Gluttony had eaten all the forest creatures. And water creatures. And all the stuff in the fridge. And half the house...

"Fullmetal Girl?" Asked Lust, scowling briefly as she realized there was no yet another blond woman that was hotter than her.

"Yeah..." Envy continued to watch the prancing deer, fighting the urge to kill them because they were male and female and acting all retarded in love like in Bambi.

"Dante made you separate...right?" Asked Lust, inspecting her fingers as she glanced at Envy. She was actually rather curious.

"We broke up Lust. Broke up." Envy glanced up at her, sneering. "Separating makes us sound like Siamese twins or something." Envy went back to glaring at the mammals down below. Did they do anything other than fucking **prance**?

"Hmmm.." both Lust and Envy were both silent for a few minutes, Envy watching the deer and Lust watching Envy watch the deer who were watching each other while being watched by Envy who was being watched by Lust who was watching Envy who was still watching the deer who began to watch Envy and Lust along with each other, while Envy was watching the deer back and Lust was watching Envy watch the deer back while the deer were watching Lust who watched them back and holy fuck watching is a retarded word and I'll stop now.

"..why has Dante stopped sending us out, by the way? I won't talk to her." Voiced Envy suddenly, smirking in victory when the deer pranced back into the forest.

"She says while you're being a moody annoyance we'll stay here and suffer from boredom." Replied Lust, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "As in, 'Get over it Envy'."

"Yah, well, fuck off." Snarled Envy, slamming the roof with a clenched fist. He hated taking this shit from Lust.

" 'Fuck' is such a fascinating word. It can be used to describe anger...or pleasure." Replied Lust, switching into automatic 'I'm a slut called Lust' mode.

"Shut the hell up, you dumb whore." Envy barely managed to not jump up and start beating Lust like a pair of drums...NOT THAT WAY YOU PERVERTS!

"Envy, you shouldn't let emotions effect our work. The Stone, remember?" Lust impatiently tapped her heel, glaring at the back of Envy's head.

"Well Lust," Envy smirked, turning to face her. "I would think that since you're so big on being human, you wouldn't mind emotions. Or maybe you just want the Stone to help increase the size of your chest." Envy then flipped Lust off before jumping onto the ground, strolling off.

Lust watched him go, fighting between conflicting feelings. Then she sat down heavily and muttered. "Damn it. He's right." As she sat there contemplating how she'd have to think of a good comeback next time she saw him, the night wore on, and Envy set out on a quest to kill a pair of deer.

_-B R E A K...You make my reviewers cry!-_

"I love the smell of coffee in the morning." Tawn sighed as she took a sip, feeling very pleased. All was calm, and the only person awake was Nwat and Al, who were silently seated on the couch. Yes, the perfect way to begin a day...

"KAMAKAZI WATERMELLON!" Screeched a child-like voice, as a speeding blur jumped Tawn and made a wild grab for her coffee. She shrieked, and began to hold the coffee far from the caffeine-loving homunculus named Wrath. Then, the former hooker began to run around the room, Wrath still clinging to her. "GIMME COFEE! GIMME!"

Al and Nwat simply blinked (for the sake of it, pretend the armor-boy somehow managed to do it) while a cross and sleepy Ed stepped out from her bedroom. Amber eyes took in the situation, before one leg stuck out, sending Tawn and Wrath tumbling to the floor. Bending over, she picked up the MAGIC COFFEE that had MAGICALLY not spilled. "Thank you."

"Bitch." Grumbled Tawn, crying over the loss of her morning boost of energy. Can anyone spell,'SOUNDS LIKE A DRUGGIE!' Wrath only snuggled closer to her, and it was then that the teen realized that he had been asleep the entire time.

He was inhuman...err...ignore the situational irony there, for she does know what he is...

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, Tawn making a cuppa for herself and Wrath. Just as Ed finished her own cuppa, Al perked up suddenly. "Sister, a package arrived in the mail for you an hour or two ago." The suit of armor waved a spike arm in the general direction of the door.

"Why would the mailman be up that early? That's like, six o'clock in the morning." Replied the state alchemist, petting Nwat who'd jumped in her lap. Al pointed to the clock, which read 10:00 AM. Ed scowled.

"He came at eight? But that was when I woke up! I didn't just spend two hours drinking coffee..." Sticking her lower lip out in a pout, she glared at the clock like it had killed her father. Umm... She would be happy about that... she glared at the clock like it had killed her **mother**.

"Well, you probably did, because the author is too lazy to fix the time line." Upon saying this, the armored alchemist realized he'd broken the sacred law of fan fictions. Acting like he realized his entire thoughts and action were being dictated by someone with WAY too much time on their hands. "Oops!" With a little skip and a jump, he went to Ed's bedroom and locked himself inside.

"Okaaaaaay." Tawn muttered, taking the final sip of her caffeine-based drink. Pure bliss. "That was weird." Ed didn't reply, ditching Nwat on the floor as she raced to the door, seeing the medium-sized package for the first time. Inwardly her thoughts when as such:

_'Please let it be from Roy. Please let it be from Roy. Omigod! What if it's from Roy! Ohohohohohoh! Don't let it be from Roy, I wouldn't know what to do! But I really want it to be from Roy!' _And we thought Envy had a one track mind.

Reaching down, she picked up the delivery, weighing it in her hands. Grinning like a kid on Christmas (a non celebrated holiday in their world), she ripped open the brown wrapping paper, opened the box, looked inside...

And dropped it with a horrified shriek. "THE FUCK!"

"What's the matter?" Asked Tawn coming over in order to curiously poke the box with her foot. Ed was still shaking behind the other teen, following the actions of foot-poky-ness as the lid flipped open again, revealing the objects inside. Tawn's mouth dropped open in shock. "Ugh.."

Wrath poked his head from the battered couch, blue-violet eyes watching the duo as he sniffed the air tentatively. Tilting his head to the side, his nose wrinkled. "Maa? it smells like animal innards." This comment drew a shaky look from his mommy.

"That's because Envy sent me two animal hearts!" To prove her point, Ed picked up the box, holding it up to reveal the pair of pinkish-red animal organs, probably belonging to some sort of deer. A note stuck to one was signed by the palm-tree haired sin, along with the words, 'It's over, so stop waiting in Central for whatever.'

"That's gross." Sniffed Wrath, shaking his head at the idiocy of his daddy. Tawn muttered some sort of vague reply, before running into the bathroom. The sound of retching followed. Nwat followed after, an aura of worry around him.

"Tawn?" Questioned the chimera, following his sister. This left Ed and Wrath alone. Both the homunculus and alchemist were silent for a few minutes, Ed joining Wrath on the couch, and letting him cuddle up next to her. The smell of the hearts was pretty strong, and Ed found herself wishing for an air freshener.

"I'll get rid of it mommy! Don't worry!" Wrath hugged the elder Elric quickly, before running over to pick up the box. Then he did his amazing disappearing act on the organs, making them vanish-

-right out the window. A second later there were loud cries of protest, one of them being, "I think Ishvarlans are attacking in a cheap and effective manner!" Wrath only shook his cute little head before jumping on Ed again.

"There you go!" Cheered the cutest sin, snuggling up against the Fullmetal Alchemist. Ed smiled weakly, forcing her thoughts to Roy instead of Envy and his way-off-normal gifts.

**Way-off-normal** gifts.

_-Bree..Eek...Ake...Cke-_

General Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, prided himself on many things. His charm, good looks, amazing body, high-level intelligence, alchemy prowess, his high rank, his god-complex and of course his natural ability to get and make it with women. He was easily the most popular man in Central.

There for, it was understandable that he was confused as to why he was having so much trouble leaving subtle hints to his blond alchemist of a subordinate about his feelings. And it wasn't Armstrong to whom he was hinting.

Major Edwina Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, prided herself on many things. Her charm, good looks, amazing body, high-level intelligence, alchemy prowess, her high rank, her god-complex and of course her natural ability to get and make it with men (not that she wanted to, most of the time). Many men tended to eye her curves (ever since she'd stopped wearing her bindings and beginning to introduce her female persona to the public.)

There for, it was understandable that she was confused as to why she was having so much trouble leaving subtle hints to her dark haired superior about her feelings. And it wasn't Basque Grand to whom she was hinting.

It was two days since the boxer incident, one since the animal organ incident. Ed had calmed down relatively, having sent a threatening letter to the pot office telling them to screen her mail. Roy had gotten over the the embarrassment attached to dancing around half-naked, and was now devoted to getting the affection of the teen in front of him.

Whoot. Pedophilia. It makes the world go 'rounds. Especially in third world countries, Micheal Jackson's life and the Internet.

"Fullmetal, I'll be getting information on a mission after work today. Maybe we should discuss it over dinner?" Roy gave a hopeful look at the younger alchemist, who simply blinked. Her amber eyes met Roy's onyx ones, as she gaped, realizing her commanding officer was serious.

"Wha-! Dinner! I can't, sorry." She would probably do something stupid, like spill her drink or eat like she normally did. A.k.a. imitating a vacuum cleaner on high. Not wanting him to think she didn't like him, she added hurriedly, "I have to do something with Al. Yah...something."

"That's too bad." Mustang sighed, mentally groaning in depression. Why him! Was he somehow turning her off? He wanted an answer, and wanted it right there. Opening his mouth, ready to confess more than a religious churchgoer. "Ed-"

He was cut off by the arrival of Riza Hawkeye, who was holding a folder with a thick sheaf of papers in inside. "Newest mission for Edwi-(insert glare from Ed here)-Edee, right on time like I told you, sir." She ignored the violent motions Roy was making with his hands across his throat, and the confused looks from Ed.

"Thanks Lieutenant." Roy accepted the folder, sending Riza on her way. "What do you know Edee, (he had been taught of her hate of the name 'Edwina' already-it involved a kick to the groin) it looks like we've been sent the info early." He was completely ignoring all Riza had said. He didn't want to be too obvious, after all.

"Huh?" Questioned Ed dumbly as she accepted the folder from the dark-haired man, flipping it open in order to see immediately the headline.** 'New Optain Plagued By Killings' **Skimming over it quickly, she read that a town very near to Central was being affected by a wave of murders, all having started four or so days ago. She was being sent out to investigate.

"Mysterious deaths?" The older asked, leaning back in his chair, a pen between his fingers being twiddled. Ed grunted in reply, which Mustang took as a yes. Rolling his eyes, he continued his plans of how to win Edwina's heart. It would be his. And no one else. And that made him think of Ed's so called ex-lover. Who was he? Where was he?

"Well, I guess I'll go tell Al." Ed closed the folder, scratching the back of her head. Then a smile appeared on her face. "This is good. Staying in Central is boring. Though it was nice being with you." She added the last part as an afterthought. Upon noticing what she had said, her entire face went tomato red and she let out a squeak.

"With me?" A disbelieving Roy asked, obviously surprised. Had Ed actually said what he thought she had? Was his current life's goal actually closer to achievement than he'd first assumed! Le gasp!

"Um..ah...gottagobye!" The heavily blushing Edwina clutched the folder tighter to her round bosom and ran full-speed from the room, leaving a shocked Roy Mustang behind.

Oh yes. This was **definitely** something to think about, Roy contemplated as he went over the blonde's actions.

_-!Kcor senil kaerb-_

Dante sat in her study, violet eyes gazing out the window as she analyzed the homunculi's recent actions. Envy had finally snapped out of his funk, getting back to work. Of course, the people he'd killed over his days of depression did aid her plan. She'd received word from Pride that the Fullmetal girl was being sent out in order to deal with the killings.

And when she got there, she would make Dante the Philosopher's Stone one and for all. She was tired of playing this game of cat and mouse. It would end soon. And then, the woman decided, she would finally get everything she ever wanted. Well, apart from Hohenheim.

As she plotted, the music in the background continued to play. The song was called 'Dante's Theme', something she had always found amusing and slightly odd. Besides that, it was a nice piece. Though she couldn't be sure if it didn't drive the homunculi up the wall as she played it constantly. Maybe that was why Envy was so insane.

"Soon. It will be soon." She muttered to herself, smirking in her victory that was just around the bend. She frowned momentarily, noticing that all this talking to herself was really unhealthy. She should get an eight homunculus, tie them to a chair and rant at them.

Though she did only have six homunculi currently. Five, since Greed was gone. And Wrath, the little brat, had run off to play house with the Elric girl. It threw a wrench in the works, as annoying as the brat was. How unfortunate that he had pissed her off enough to be threatened into a puddle.

"He just had to go through my underwear drawer." She growled at the memory, scowling as she remembered how the long haired sin had started playing with her bloomers and corsets. It had taken forever to find them, as strewn across the mansion as they were. Gluttony had even eaten her favorite ones, which were frilly and pink and had been given to her by Hohenheim.

Sighing, she let her gaze go unfocused again, as she mourned the loss of her bloomers. What a cruel world it was, what a cruel world indeed.

_-BreakReakEakAkK-_

Ed, Al and Wrath sat on a train together, playing a good ol' game of poker. Ed was winning, but only because she was cheating. But shhh. That's a secret. They were headed to New Optain, in order to check out all of the crap that had been going down there.

Both of the Elric siblings had wanted to leave Wrath with Tawn and Nwat, but for reasons of his own he came along. They didn't really care, since both knew Wrath could fight for himself. But still, it was pretty weird how much he had wanted to come.

"I win again!" Cheered Ed, collecting the cards in a pile. Al grumbled and Wrath only blinked cutely, watching as his mommy began to deal out the cards again. "Once more!" She sang, feeling rather satisfied to be ahead for once in a game of cards against Al.

"I swear there's something fishy about this game." Al commented as he accepted his cards, glancing over them with a noise of defeat. Wrath got his cards, only blinking in his cute fashion at his Uncle. Smiling happily, he poked the suit of armor.

"But that's Go Fish, Uncle Al!" Wrath exclaimed, bouncing in his seat. Ed only let out a very fan girl-worthy squeal and hugged the sin, while Al only slammed his large hand against his helm. While the rest of the passengers glared at those disturbing the peace, the trio simply continued to laugh and play for the rest of the short trip.

_-Lawlz, I pwn joo, break line-_

_**A/N: Took me long enough...here ya go. Sorry if it's shorter than usual.**_


End file.
